The Good Wife Chronicles: The Soul Mate Complex

I used to believe in soul mates, and then I got married.

Now, before you think I'm stuck in some unhappy marriage with a man who is clearly NOT my soul mate, read on...

As I've grown up into my wife role, I've learned a few things.

First, I did not marry a perfect man. The blond-haired, blue-eyed boy who asked me to be his girl five years ago (and then we jumped onto the back of his white horse and rode off towards the castle in the distance) has turned into a man with flaws. And who has a front row seat to those flaws daily? Me. But despite the flaws, I still love him like crazy.

Secondly, I used to be under the illusion that "soul mates" would never fight, always agree and walk through life unscathed because their love for each other would conquer all. I never imagined I'd get a few scrapes along the way. Thankfully, my sweet husband is always there to bandage them up for me.

Oh, society, the lies you made me believe!

Listen, I'm not trying to be a pessimist here. I'm just trying to be real. And in being transparent, I just happen to be a wife who gets 'it'. Soul mates are a nice idea, but they leave couples with impossible expectations.

"You came home from work after a rough day and didn't want to talk to me because you needed some 'alone time'?! My soul mate would never treat me this way!"

"Oh, you forgot my birthday? Again?! If we were soul mates, then my birthday would be ingrained in your memory for all eternity!"

"So, here's the thing: seven years of marriage and two children later hasn't been exactly what I dreamed it would be. So, I sort of met my 'soul mate' at work and we have decided we're going to be together. I'm sorry this didn't work out. But I hope you find your soul mate, too."

You get the idea: WE PUT TOO MUCH EMPHASIS ON SOUL MATES.

The proof: Some people go so far as to destroy marriages over the idea that they didn't hold out for their soul mate. They believe that by suddenly finding their true 'soul mate'--which doesn't happen to be the person they married--it relinquishes them from their marriage, their family, and the promise they made before God to honor and love their spouse for the rest of their earthly lives.

The simple truth is: I don't believe in soul mates in the generic way society does. I believe we have the choice to choose who we spend our life with and it's up to us to make the most of our marriage.

If you find yourself doubting that you married the right person, let me take this time to reassure you. Yes, you married the right person.

In the beginning, I don't think I necessarily looked at my husband thought, "Oh, there he is! There is my soul mate."

Instead, I looked at him and thought, "There he is. There is the right man for me."

He's a man who is steadfast and strong. He's kind and gentle. He's the type of man I want to raise children with. And he's the type of man I want to be sitting beside 60 years from now as we watch our great grandchildren play on our front lawn.

Sure, we have our differences and we're both headstrong. I have my opinions and he has his. But we work through them with communication and compromise. That was something we spent the second year of our marriage figuring out.

When I look at the person I was before I married my husband, I'm always shocked to see the changes I've made over the last three years. Kelly has played a large part in changing the very core of who I am for the better.

My husband has helped me love people better. The quality that I admire most in him--compassion--has slowly worked itself into my life. My greatest hope is that the quality he loves most about me, whatever that may be, works itself into his life for the better, too. Our marriage relationship should help us become more Christ-like--not less Christ-like.

Even though I'm not a fan of the word 'soul mate', I do believe that the more we grow in love with our husbands the stronger the desire becomes to use the word 'soul mate' to describe our spouse. One of my favorite quotes from Wuthering Heights is: "Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same." As your marriage matures and you grow together, I hope this is a quote that helps describe your relationship.

So, how do we avoid the Soul Mate Complex?

1. Pray for wisdom
The day I married my husband, I knew that I wanted my marriage to last a lifetime. I didn't want my marriage to end the way my parents' did. So, I began praying that God would give me the wisdom I needed to be a Godly wife. Every day since, I have continued praying that God would help me to be a good wife to my husband. It's been a difficult journey because I'm human and selfish at times. But the more I pray for wisdom, the more God instills it inside of me. God does not tire of my daily requests for His wisdom. In fact, I have seen Him bless me many times over because of my willingness to seek Him in all things concerning my marriage.

2. Arm yourself with helpful tools
The greatest tool God has given to me on my Wife Journey is Debi Pearl's book, Created To Be His Helpmeet. I have mentioned this book numerous times in past posts because I truly believe that besides the Bible, this is a book every wife SHOULD OWN. I have read this book a dozen times since becoming a wife on June 18, 2011. Though I have never met Debi, she has helped me become the wife I am today. And I believe she can do the same for you.
Other tools that can help? I read many, many Godly wife blogs. Here are a few of my favorites:
The Time-Warp Wife
Unveiled Wife
Women Living Well
All of these women share helpful tools to encourage you on your Wife Journey.

3. Get rid of your 'Exit Strategy'
My husband and I have a rule: the 'D' word is not allowed in our house. It's not allowed to be brought up in our conversations or disagreements. Growing up, I heard my father say numerous times that he was 'just going to leave'. And you know what? Eventually he did. The more we say things out loud, the more we convince ourselves that we should actually do them. Our words are more powerful than we know. Instead of saying "We are never going to work through this!" try saying this instead: "This is an opportunity for us to grow stronger." Don't ever threaten to end your marriage; always aim to strengthen your marriage regardless of what you're going through.

4. Surround yourself with people who help your marriage--not people who hurt your marriage
If there is someone in your life--a close friend, adviser, family member--who doesn't support your marriage, you shouldn't spend a lot of time around them. Satan will use your friends and family to plant seeds of doubt. He's done it with me numerous times because he wants marriages to fail. He wants your children to ache and hurt. He wants to cause discord and disaster. Don't let him. Instead, be around people who encourage your marriage and vice versa. Find strong women of faith who can teach you. The Bible instructs older women to "urge the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God." (Titus 2:4-5) One woman I know I can always count on to help me in my Wife Journey is Kelly's aunt, Helen. She is by far my greatest ally in this role. She encourages and builds me up. And she also sets a wonderful example of what a Godly wife looks like. Ask God to bring you a woman like Aunt Helen into your life to help aid you. And then spend as much time as you can learning from her. When the time comes, ask God to help you be a good example of a Godly wife for the young women in your life.

5. Don't let the world into your head
My husband and I watch movies and TV shows occasionally, but I have really cut back on what I allow myself to view. Naturally, I tend to gravitate toward romance. This can be very harmful to my marriage because the world in which we live is warped. They have bought into the Soul Mate Complex. Nothing infuriates me more than a TV marriage gone awry. They glamorize cheating, revenge, lying, and stealing. Do not be fooled! What you see on TV is a SCRIPTED series. Real life is not scripted. And you will be held accountable for every choice--good and bad--that you make. The world view and God's view cannot both exist in your marriage. Don't let the world's view of marriage into your head. Focus on God's view of marriage.

Remember: you married the right person. Don't get hung up on the term 'soul mates'. Get hung up on the words 'husband and wife'. God always intended for your marriage to be focused on Him. Let's let our marriages glorify God in everything we say and do.

--Jessica

Did you like this post?
To read more of my series, The Good Wife Chronicles, check out the posts below:
Michal's Mistakes
Love With Intention
Appreciate the Journey
My Secrets To A Happier Marriage

Stressful Seasons, They're Really Blessings In Disguise

If you were to step into my shoes right now, I can guarantee that you would quickly step out and say something along the lines of: "Gurrrrl, your life is a disaster!"

It's true.

I'm. A. Mess.

I am battling a terrible sore throat and head ache (most likely the flu, even though I take a Vitamin C tablet every morning without fail and drink Green Tea like it's going out of style).

My husband's job, which has always provided for us, is not a guarantee at this point in time.

My job, while not on the line, has recently become the main source of stress in my life (don't worry; I still LOVE it!).

I have four sweet kiddos (aged 2-11) currently camped out in living room while their Momma, a very dear friend, just welcomed her NINTH child into the world! And it's come to my attention that I am the WORST babysitter in the history of babysitting. Please, pray for them. And me.
"Do you need food?"
"No."
"Do you need to go to the bathroom?"
"No."
"I am going into my room to lay down on my bed for an hour and contemplate life. You can come nap with me if you want to. If not, just holler if you see blood. Please, don't do anything to cause the blood."

I am operating on 9 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours.

Oh, and we're still in the long, drawn-out process of purchasing a house. Our fourth attempt in nearly a year.

I mentally high-fived myself just for getting out of bed this morning.

I'm serious.

I really did.

Because despite my life being full of stresses (good and not-so-good), I am still in a positive state of mind. This is just a stressful season. It won't last forever. As my mother always says, "This, too, shall pass."

And it will.

I will get over the cold.

God will provide work for my husband.

My job--like all things--will go through changes as I grow and become a better teacher.

The four blessings that are filling my home with loud shouts of laughter and giggles are filling my heart with lots of joy. And even though I am not all together, they're a very forgiving bunch. They're also really young so they may forget that one time I lacked creativity and fun activities to keep them occupied while anxiously waiting to meet their new sister.

Sleep can be caught up on the weekend.

And each month that our home buying process lengthens, I'm more convinced that God doesn't want us to settle for anything less than His best. That thought makes my heart happy.

My stresses may pale in comparison to yours or they may make you grateful for the ones you're currently dealing with. Whatever the case may be, stressful seasons are beautiful and complicated.

Here's why Stressful Seasons are really blessings in disguise:
1. They draw me closer to God.
I praise God in all seasons. I love Him in all seasons. I seek Him in all seasons. But when I'm under pressure and I'm trying to pull myself together, I really do draw closer to Him. I lean on His strength. I hand my stress over to God and say, "It's all yours!" Because I know that there are some things in this life that I could not possibly do in and of myself. Only God can open doors when they are bolted shut. Only God can calm a sea that threatens to destroy my shoreline. Only God can handle the things I cannot. When I rely on Him entirely, my relationship with Him grows and we become closer.

2. They make me grateful for calm seasons.
When things are going good, I thank God for those times. Because I know they don't last forever. So, I take the time to prepare myself for the difficult seasons that are ahead. I spend lots of time reading my Bible. I do lots of research. I take a break from life and spend more time with people. I play silly games like Angry Birds. I outline blog posts. I outline lessons for my classes. I read books. I clean out closets and learn how to cook something new. I just enjoy the time I have where everything is calm and quiet. I'm mentally prepared for this rough season because I've learned the art of taking advantage of the easy seasons.

3. They reveal my true character.
When I am in the midst of trying season, God reveals to me who I really am. He reveals how I withstand pressure, how gracefully I handle my faith, and how I treat others while my life is undergoing calamity. God knows that I need a good dose of self-examination every once in a while to show me what my progression has been in this Christian walk.

When I am in a trying season, I'm normally just try to survive it. But the last couple of days have revealed to me that's not necessarily the case anymore. In the midst of my trying season, I'm no longer focused entirely on me. Others depend on me and I have risen to the occasion. I'm still a work-in-progress, but I'm getting there.

Stressful seasons can be rough, but they don't last forever. They're great opportunities to strengthen your faith and refocus on God. If you're going through a stressful season, thank God for the work He's doing in your life.

--Jessica

The Truth About Forgiveness

Forgiveness - to stop feeling anger toward (someone who has done something wrong); to stop blaming (someone).

We've all been wounded by the choices and actions of others. People break hearts.They spread rumors and lies. They steal. They bully. They make us feel inadequate and unworthy.

And the feelings that come with our hurts are hard to carry around. Grudges, ill feelings and blame are heavy burdens.

But they don't have to be.

I think the biggest misconception about forgiveness is that we have to "forgive and forget". But I don't agree with that statement entirely. I think we put high expectations on ourselves when we force ourselves into believing that in order to forgive someone, we must forget their past transgressions.

The definition of forgiveness mainly deals with our feelings. We need to 'stop feeling anger'. We need to 'stop blaming'. We can't control other people's actions; we can only control ours.

Forgiveness is about letting go of angry feelings because it doesn't benefit us to hold onto them. Take it from someone who has had a lot of forgiving to do in her short lifetime: there is nothing that cages a person more than allowing ourselves to hold onto other people's actions.

We can't undo the past. We can't change people. But we can move forward.

The truth about forgiveness:
1. It's more about releasing the past than it is about releasing the person. 
People are human and they're not perfect. From time-to-time, they will make choices that will affect us negatively. The longer we hold onto the past, the more we will live in the past. Release those feelings; let them live in the past with the actions that hurt you. We should never let the past to rob us of today's peace.

2. A good memory serves us well.
This may sound strange, but I really do believe that we should make a conscious effort to remember how people treat us. Here's why: when someone repeatedly wrongs me, I look at it as opportunity. That's right, opportunity. Yes, it bothers me that they continually try to wound me, but I understand something they don't: life is short. Too short to treat people ill. So, I'm going to make it my mission to love them well in spite of their actions. I'm going to lead by example. Which leads to my next point...

3. Sometimes, you just have to wish them well and walk away.
We all have different types of strength because God made us all different. I have an iron-clad strength when it comes to forgiveness. You wrong me; trust me, I've already let it go. I'm not big on grudges or ill feelings. I don't have time for them because I find joy in being at peace with everyone. But that's not the case for some people because the past is difficult to let go of. Especially when we see the person often.

Here's some sound advice that works: always be kind, but don't feel like you have an obligation to stick around.

If a friend wrongs you, you can still be nice and say hello. But you don't have to go to their children's birthday parties or grab a cup of coffee with them. If it's a family member, tell them you love them when they greet you at the family reunion, then choose to hang out in a room they're not in. If it's a co-worker, be civil in the break room, but focus on your work. If the problem persists, talk to your boss.

The truth about forgiveness is that it's a positive reaction you choose in response to someone else's negative action.

You don't have to lower yourself to their level; choose to take the high road. Choose joy and peace over anger. Don't allow the actions of others to control you.

You control your own emotions.

Forgiveness can be a difficult road to walk down, but don't worry: YOU'VE GOT THIS.

--Jessica

Let's Love Each Other Better

I love sitting in the car with my grandparents. After 51 years of marriage, they still hold hands as my grandfather drives my grandmother to her destination. It has always been one of my favorite views from the backseat.

Sometimes they'll be lost in conversation. Other times, they will simply sit side-by-side saying nothing at all. But their interlocked fingers have always spoken volumes to me.

51 years of marriage is a long time. I'm sure they've had rough moments. I'm sure they've had to fight for their marriage. I'm sure they have driven each other crazy a time or two. But despite the ups and downs, they still hold hands. And I love them for showing me--even though they probably never realized that they were--how to love each other well.

Love isn't always a marriage. It comes in many different forms. A child and parent. Siblings. Friendship. It's a beautiful expression of how we feel about one another. It's in our actions. It's the way we selflessly give to the people God brings into our lives. It's compromise. It's putting someone else's needs above our own.

I don't always love people the way I should. I allow their choices to cloud my judgement. I let the world rob me of my energy and time. I beat myself up about the opportunities I let pass. Then the image of my grandparents comes to mind. And it reminds me that we should always aim to love each other better.

Tomorrow isn't a guarantee. Our moments in this life are fleeting. Let's love each other better. May that always be our goal.

"Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins." 1 Peter 4:8

--Jessica

Surviving Divorce: The Untraveled Trail

 "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." -Robert Frost

I am a product of divorce.

For a long time, my parents' divorce made me feel like an outsider. It made me feel unworthy of things. Love. Family. Hope. Dreams. Self-confidence. Courage.

It took a long time for me to realize that it didn't mean that I was unworthy of anything; it simply meant that I had two paths to choose from.

The first was obviously heavily traveled. I could still see fresh shoe marks in the beaten-down path as I surveyed the entrance. The endless miles of hilly scenery seemed daunting, but many people were walking this trail and they seemed to be doing just fine. Some were far ahead; others were just beginning like I was.

But then there was the second path.

It's entrance was overgrown with weeds and debris. A few people had pulled apart branches to make their way into the overgrown jungle of bushes. They were no where in sight now.

I wondered what stood at the end of this trail. There was only one way to find out, but I wasn't ready to abandon the heavily-traveled path yet. I was still watching others as they made their way through it.

Torn between the two paths for many years, I'd weigh the options and never came up with a clear answer. Then, one day God urged me to push through the bushes of the untraveled trail.

I found myself in unknown territory. There was no light. I tripped. I faltered. I had to feel my way through the darkness. I felt like giving up, but something kept me going forward.

And when I made it through the rough patches, I was shocked to see what was waiting for me on the other side.

There sat a treasure box with my name inscribed. When I opened it, out poured numerous treasures. Love. Family. Hope. Dreams. Self-confidence. Courage.

God restored all the things that I had lost simply because I chose to walk down the untraveled trail. I chose love instead of anger. I chose healing instead of brokenness. I chose faith instead of hopelessness. My reward was not an easier life or material possessions; it was peace.

This path is still new territory for me. God provided me with all the things I believed I didn't deserve--and He still does. The farther I travel, the more treasures I acquire. Things I never imagined I'd possess.

Talents. Compassion. Faith. Humility. Gratitude. Patience.

Because God was faithful to me, I no longer carry around the heavy weight of my parents' divorce the way I used to. And it's because I chose to travel down a different path than most people. I didn't want to end up a bitter cynic. I wanted to believe in love and family again. So, I let God lead my steps. And in the wise words of my favorite poet, Robert Frost, "that has made all the difference."

I wasn't able to get over my parents divorce or the stigma that came with it on my own. God provided me with numerous outlets to mourn the loss of my family unit and move forward.

I meditate on this Charles Spurgeon quote often: "The Lord gets his best soldiers out of the highlands of affliction." It helps remind me that I was chosen to walk a different path. And because God helped me overcome the roughest part of my past, I survived with only a few scratches.

You can survive, too. If you're going through what I went through. Maybe your family is falling apart and you're not sure where to turn. I want to urge you to take the untraveled trail.

Many of my friends--and even relatives--have gone through the same thing I have. They carry around a lot of the same emotions. They're angry and hurt. They're not sure how to love someone correctly. They're lost. They don't know how to forgive. They don't have peace.

But there is hope. Take it from a happily-married product of divorce.

Life does turn around.

You will survive.

You will be just fine.

Here's how I survived my parents divorce:
1. A lot of laughter.
"Laughter is the best medicine." And it's true. Seek joy in hard moments. Focus on the positive. Read comic strips. Surround yourself with people who love to laugh. Watch reruns of America's Funniest Videos. Get a dog. Go on long walks. Find what makes you happy. Remember the good times and make peace with the bad times. Laugh.

2. A lot of tears.
Let 'em out! I cried. A lot. I let myself feel the emotions stirring inside. I let myself purge. I didn't hide my feelings in an attempt to appear strong. I just let myself feel. And that helped me to let go easier. I adopted the saying, "It is what it is." I stopped trying to figure things out. One day, the tears ran dry and I felt a heavy weight lifted off my chest.

3. A lot of heart-to-hearts with God. 
I said what I needed to say--mostly to God, but sometimes to the people who hurt me. Say what you need to. But be careful with this advice. You should always say things to others with as much love as you can. I didn't learn that at 12 years-old. Instead, I used words like swords. It took a very long time for me to undo this. Now, I say what I need to say only if it's helpful to both parties. Otherwise, I say what I need to in the presence of God. He never interrupts, He always loves on me, and He always reminds me that there is a light at the end of every tunnel. Talk to God. He's a great listener!

4. A lot of patience.
Sometimes, you have to take life one day at a time. They say, "time heals all wounds." But what they leave out in the quote is that you have to let time heal your wounds. You have to let yourself heal. I was patient with life. I opened myself up to new experiences. I worked through struggles. I faced my problems head on. I slowly went through life, enjoying easy moments and learning from difficult ones. Eventually, I woke up ten years later and realized I had moved on. I used all my energy to better myself--not to add to the chip on my shoulder. Patience is good for the heart.

5. A lot of gratitude.
This entire experience taught me how to thank God for my circumstances. As I've grown in my Christian walk, God has revealed this truth to me: our afflictions are not always chastisements. Sometimes, God knows we're going to cross someone's path a week, a month, twelve years from now. And they're going to need our experiences to help them through whatever it is they're going through. God will use your affliction to help others. Thank God that you can love others better because of the hurts you've gone through.

As Spurgeon said, God gets his best soldiers "out of the highlands of affliction." I'm grateful God uses my past to help people whose paths I cross today.

God can do the same for you, if you let Him.

And when it comes time to chose between the paths that lay ahead, don't go with the flow. Figure out what you need to find forgiveness and let go. You may have to climb through some tightly bound branches, but you will be surprised to find what's waiting for you on the other side.

--Jessica

The Good Wife Chronicles: Michal's Mistakes

I have always been fascinated by the women of the Bible.

Ruth's devotion to Naomi.

Hannah's grace.

Esther's character.

Elizabeth's patience.

Abigail's discernment.

Mary's strength.

I long to bottle up their best traits and become what I would deem "the perfect woman."

These women of the Bible have captured my heart and attention for many years. And I oftentimes gravitate toward their stories.

It would make my heart leap with joy if I could gather all these women in my living room for an afternoon. I'd serve coffee and sugar cookies and we'd talk--just be real--with one another.

I'm sure, like always, that I would be the 'talker' of the group.

"Esther, you were literally a part of the first Bachelor. Its a reality TV show in present day. Anyway, tell me word-for-word everything that went down during that time. How were you feeling? How did you win the king's heart? Tell it all! But first, let me get some popcorn."

"Elizabeth, your husband couldn't talk for nine months. Be honest, how much did you like being the only one able to speak? I would have so taken advantage of that. Go through the emotions of finding out you were pregnant after so many years not being able to conceive."

"Ruth, you were devoted and faithful to your mother-in-law. So much so that you left behind your home, your family and your traditions to follow her back to her home. And to her God. Tell me the story over again. From the beginning. How terrifying was it for you to leave everything behind and start over in a foreign land?"

Well, you get the point. I'd ask millions of questions about their stories. They would probably have to stay a full week at my house just so we could cover every topic.

All of these women had happy Bible endings. Ruth and Naomi found their kinsmen redeemer. Barren Hannah had several children after keeping her promise to God about Samuel. Elizabeth raised John the Baptist. Abigail saved her husband from a certain death, and then wed King David. And Mary gave birth to Jesus Christ.

These women have humble beginnings and impressive endings.

But then there's Michal, David's first wife. 

While I doubt she would fit in with my afternoon coffee Bible ladies, she's the one woman whose story keeps me awake at night, replaying it over and over again. It always saddens me that she had such a promising beginning and a rough ending.

To save time, this is my paraphrased version of David and Michal: The Tragic Love Story.

Once upon a time, there was a very handsome Shepherd watching his father's flock when he rose to fame one day after defeating the biggest dude in all the land, aka Goliath. King Saul, seeing David's potential, refused to honor the hero as promised and so, through a couple of twists and turns, mostly Saul's betrayal, Michal (one of Saul's daughters) and David ended up married.

And they fell in love.

Their love was young and it was obvious Michal loved David deeply. The Bible even says so. She helped him escape her evil father by lying to him about David's whereabouts. When he realized this, Saul married her off to another man while David was on the run.

Fast forward some years. Michal and new hubby are happy. But David is now king and he hasn't forgotten his first wife (even though he's acquired a few more, including Abigail, one of my coffee Bible ladies). Michal is forced to leave her new hubby, who weeps as they take her away. O.K. how sweet must that man have been? He literally followed behind weeping! I think it's obvious to say that he loved her. And he probably was good to her.

Miserable that she's back to being David's wife, Michal bitterly resumes castle life. Interestingly enough, the Bible says Michal had 'no children'.

 If you want to read the full story, here are the important passages:
The beginning: 1 Samuel 18-19
The return: 2 Samuel 3:13-15
The demise: 2 Samuel 6:16-23

Simply put: girlfriend is no longer in love with our guy David and she exhibits bouts of anger and bitterness. Directed mainly at David.

She's never mentioned again after insulting David's dancing before the LORD. David, on the other hand, is called a man after God's own heart. Sure, he goes on to make many mistakes, but his love for the LORD is evident throughout his life.

Michal, not so much.

So, why do I tell you about Michal? Because a lot of marriages end the way David and Michal's did. Two people completely pull apart and never make it back to one another. There are a lot of negative emotions on the wife's side. Broken promises. Betrayal. Hurt. Hatred. They all cloud this marriage.

There is no grace. There is no peace. There is no joy. There is no forgiveness.

Michal repelled her husband with her attitude, and its my understanding they lived as a divorced couple for the rest of their marriage.

I don't want my marriage to end this way and I'm sure it's not how you want yours to end either.

What can we learn about being a wife from Michal?

Mical's Mistakes:
1. Circumstances can't define your marriage attitude.
Michal was in a horrible position, much like Esther and Bathsheba. These women had no control over their futures. Every decision made for them was made by the men in their lives. And these men didn't always make wise choices. Having a positive attitude toward their husbands was not an easy feat. Two women made the most of their difficult situations; one did not. Esther went on to save her people and Bathsheba raised Solomon, the wisest man that ever lived.

You tell me, did their attitudes shape their marriages? My answer: absolutely! God honors obedient wives who choose joy over anger regardless of their situations. We can't always control our situations, but we can always control our attitude. Be positive. You just might make the history books!

2. You have to love God.
And fervently love Him! David and Michal had different attitudes toward God in the last days of their marriage. David went on to do great things after praising God openly for all the kingdom to see. Michal scoffed at his praise for God; she was forgotten.

Wives, praise God loudly and openly. Go on to be remembered as a faithful servant in spite of your limitations and circumstances. God does not promise an easy life--but rather one filled with changing seasons, both challenging and calm. If you 'love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength,' you may have a story that ends like Esther's or Hannah's.

3. Don't let marriage make you bitter; let it make you better.
Marriage is hard. There is no perfect marriage. Relationships go through seasons, as mentioned above. Don't let those seasons make you bitter. Let them make you stronger. Let them teach you how to love your husband the way God loves his children. With grace, peace, joy, mercy and forgiveness. For a marriage to work, these things have to be present. Pray daily that God strengthens you with these traits and that you don't lose sight of being a Godly wife.

The takeaway: Marriage is difficult. And you've married a sinning, flawed man. Don't let his shortcomings determine your attitude toward him. Instead, encourage your husband. Build him up. Earn a permanent place in his heart by avoiding Michal's mistakes. Your attitude will determine your ending. Make it a good one.

--Jessica

Did you like this post?
To read more of my series, The Good Wife Chronicles, check out the posts below:
Stop Trying To Control!
Enjoy the Adventures
Appreciate the Journey
Love With Intention
Don't Be A Complainer
I'm Practical, Not Perfect
My Secrets To A Happier Marriage

Joy

It's an easy word to say. 

The definition is easy to understand: a feeling of great pleasure and happiness. 

So why do have such a hard time putting this simple word into action?

Choosing joy has been one of the numerous lessons I've been learning over the past year. Because it's not something that comes natural to me.

People disappoint me. People use me. People get under my skin. People knowingly wound me with their words. Knowing that they do it on purpose is even more disheartening. But I have found that "a cheerful heart is good medicine." (Proverbs 17:22)

When I choose joy over anger, hurt, and bitterness, I am doing my heart a good thing. I'm not harboring ill feelings or discord. I'm releasing those feelings and choosing to be happy, cheerful, and joyful. And the Bible says that this is literally "good medicine." 

If joy is good for my body, then I'm going to choose it over and over again regardless of my circumstances or problems with others.

How do I put joy into action? Here are my 3 simple steps:

1. Accept the things you cannot change.
Yes, this is part of the Serenity Prayer, but it's useful for two reasons. First off, the word serenity literally means a state of being calm, peaceful and untroubled. If you want joy, you first have to find peace. The best way to be tranquil is to let go of the things you can't change. Not everything is going to go your way. The best way to let go of those things is to surrender them to God's will. Let Him take care of those things; you don't have worry about them.

Secondly, the Serenity Prayer is helpful because it's good to memorize and recite over and over. "God, grant me the serenity (peace, calm, tranquility) to accept the things I cannot change (releasing them to God's will); courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference." Go ahead, try it. When this becomes your motto, joy comes quickly and easily.

2.  Learn to be content.

I think the number one reason why so many people don't have joy is because they're not content. They want more and they aren't content with the blessings they already have. Listen, God's always going to take care of you. My life is a living testament to this Bible truth. "And my God will meet all your needs according to the riches of his glory in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:19) You don't have to be in competition with the world to have more. If you can't be content with what you have right now, you're never going to be content with more. There are three necessities to life: shelter, food, and water. If you have all three, you are richer than you know.

One of the ways I have learned contentment is by thanking God every day--that's right, EVERY DAY--for things I have. My husband. A roof over my head. A reliable car. Family. Friends. A full stomach. Furniture. Dogs to keep me busy. My faith. 

The list goes on and on. But you get the idea. If you're busy thanking God for what you already have, you won't focus on what you don't have. And if there is something you need, just ask. God is not opposed to you asking Him for things. Be specific. He wants to bless you.

3. Don't have expectations; change your motives.

I used to be one of those people who would only do nice things for others because I wanted praise in return. The problem with this thinking is that it will only disappoint you because people are unpredictable. You exercise kindness, they may return it with an insult or injury. Hey, it even happened in the Bible times. Want proof? Read the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant.

The point is this: Don't place high expectations on people. They're only human. They're not always joyful. They won't always treat you with mercy and grace. 

Here's a good example: A while ago, I was doing something kind for one of the difficult people in my life. I was second-guessing myself when the gravity of the situation came into focus. I said to my mom, "I suppose the best way to do good things for people is to not have any expectations." She furrowed her brow and said, "What do you mean?" 

What I meant was this: If I only do good things for others with the expectation that they will treat me well, be kind, and honorable, I'm setting myself up for disappointment. It's happened enough in the past for me to have learned my lesson. Instead, I give freely now with no strings attached. If I do something good to you, it's just me saying, "Hey, I care about you and I want to better your life. I'm invested in helping you." 

I'm not looking for anything in return. I care about people and I care about their well-being. That's it. That's my motive. 

If that's not your motive, here's a Bible verse to memorize and help you put things into perspective: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves." (Philippians 2:3) This verse also happens to be our church theme for 2014. And I believe it's one that everyone should put into practice. If we value others, our lives take on a whole new meaning. Joy is found when we do things out of love--not with the expectation of reciprocation.

Choose joy. Choose the 'good medicine.' What do you have to lose?

--Jessica