For as long as I can remember, I've always been a control freak. You can ask my poor brother. I spent the majority of our childhood trying to control him. Thankfully, I was blessed with two parents who wouldn't let me. But, oh, I sure tried.
By nature, I have a born-to-lead personality. I'm pretty sure I inherited that trait from my grandfather. Because if there's a task that needs to get done, I automatically think I'm in charge of delegating. And, surprisingly, people usually let me lead.
But there's a problem with my take-charge attitude: my marriage doesn't have room for two leaders. And I just happened to marry a man who has the exact same born-to-lead personality that I do.
If I'm not careful, a war may break out if we do something simple together, like go grocery shopping.
Here's why:
1. I am a planner. That means I have either a mental list in my head or a written one when I arrive at the store. I know exactly what I need because I already know which meals I have planned out for the week. I also have a mode of operation. I begin in the produce, move to meats, dairy, beverages and then go up and down each aisle. Not my husband. He arrives at the store with a "Hmm...what sounds good?" mentality. He runs from one side of the store to the other trying to figure out what he wants to eat. And I'm usually the one pushing the cart, following behind him. We will walk around the store several times before one item of food ever gets placed in the cart. Most of our grocery store runs end with me nearly having an anxiety attack.
2. I consider myself the CFO of our household. My husband isn't too horrible with budgeting our money, but I'm much better at it. I took accounting classes, my grandfather worked in a bank and my mother's motto growing up was: "Thrifty, thrifty, thrifty." I come from a long line of great budget-ers. So, when I go shopping, I get out my calculator and calculate every cent, including tax. When I go with my husband, I usually have to abandon my calculator after the second item is placed in the cart because he moves too quickly for me to search for the price and keep up.
3. I really don't like grocery stores. Or shopping. I have this get-in-get-out mentality. I know what I need, I get it, and then I get out. My life is much too busy to spend several hours leisurely meandering through the aisles. My husband doesn't leisurely meander, but he enjoys looking at everything to make sure he's getting the best of the best. It's probably why we don't clothes shop together. I usually buy the first pair of jeans I try on. He tries on the whole store selection before deciding on the first pair.
Neither of our approaches are wrong; they are just different. And that's where conflict arises.
I'm not interested in controlling every aspect of my husband. There are things I'm perfectly content to let him lead in. Where he works, what cars we drive and the garage are all territories I enjoy handing over to him. I'll even let him choose which plants to plant in the front yard. I'm totally cool with him taking over those responsibilities.
I'm willing to let my husband have control of the things that aren't of great importance to me. But when it comes to something I consider paramount, like how we spend our time together, I begin delegating. And it never ends well.
I try to take control of the situation by telling my husband how he could improve the way he's doing something. My husband gives me 'the look.' The one that says, "You're morphing into that horrible beast I don't care for. Please return to the sweet wife you were five minutes ago." I ignore it. I push some more. He gives me the look one more time. I start to back off. I'm good for about 2 minutes. Then I start delegating again and he gets annoyed and gives up on whatever activity we're doing. That's when I know I've pushed him to his limit.
I fail my husband every day. I'm so far from the wife I yearn to be. I don't want to control my husband, but it's hard to change over night. To stop trying to do everything my way. And though I'm constantly changing, I oftentimes revert back to my old habits if I'm not careful. It takes me staring at myself in the mirror, screaming out "Stop trying to control!" that I begin to see what I'm doing to my poor husband.
My husband is a wonderful leader. He doesn't always make the choices that I would if I was in his shoes, but I trust him to make wise decisions. And I pray for him often . I pray that God would lead him to the right choices for us and that he would help Kelly to be a good leader. By constantly telling him he's doing something wrong, I'm making him question his leadership abilities.
So...why do I still try to control him when I clearly know better? I think it's just my wife nature. I think my way is best. And sometimes, it is. But God has showed me over and over again that it's better to let my husband lead (even if it's poorly) than it is for me to lead correctly.
God honors good wives. He honors wives who let their husbands lead gracefully. Without opposition. Without nagging. Without pouting. And that means that He will always take care of you regardless of what choices your husband makes.
The next time I go grocery shopping with my husband, I'm going to do my very best to cheerfully push the cart behind him while he scours the store for the best deals on the best food. And though it will nearly kill me to abandon my plans, I know that it will make both God and my husband happy to see me letting my husband lead the way while I stand beside and simply do what I was designed to do: help him.
Verses to remember:
"She brings him good not harm all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12
"Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives." 1 Peter 3:1
"He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD." Proverbs 18:22
"A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones." Proverbs 12:4
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