My husband and I spent the majority of our courtship 1,500 miles apart. To put it mildly, we didn't exactly 'know' each other when we said 'I do'. People warned me. They told me that a marriage would never work if we didn't live in the same city for at least six months prior to our wedding. Thankfully, I had my 'young love' goggles on and didn't pay them any attention. We said 'I do' and drove off into the Vegas sunset.
Fast forward one year. My husband has moved me half-way across the country. I'm living in what feels like a foreign culture (small town USA is quite different than San Diego). I don't have a car. I don't have many friends to speak of. I'm dealing with severe anxiety to the point that it's hard for me to leave the house. People have worn me down. We've been met with countless opposition. God says one thing; someone we consider to be wise counsel says contrary. And they won't leave us alone until we do what they want. We're trying to pick our battles wisely, but every day seems to bring a bigger battle than the one before. I've realized my husband has faults--many. But, then, so do I. And here we are, living together--trying building a life together--despite living completely opposite lives before marriage. I've married a sinner and so has he. And we don't always agree on everything or even get along.
It was at that point in my marriage where I began to notice a change. Sort of like the beginning of fall. The days of summer have come to a close and we now prepare for winter. I'm fed up with the old car my husband and I have to share. It sputters and dies. People stare as I try to turn it back on in the middle of an intersection. I just want a car that works. Nothing fancy. I just want it to work! I begin teaching classes and making friends. I'm no longer solely dependent on the man who promised to walk beside me for the rest of my earthly life. I'm not always home in time to have his warm meal sitting at the table. We begin seeing each other's true colors. And let me just be frank: mine were quite ugly. I'm convinced he's supposed to be the perfect spouse while I'm allowed meltdowns. I demand things from him. My controlling personality starts to emerge. He looks at me like I'm a stranger. And to be honest, I don't recognize myself either.
For a very long six-month period, I became that wife. The one the Bible warns us about. "A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm." (Proverbs 27:15) And it took me kneeling before God, asking for His help that things finally became clear.
I have failed God. And I have failed my husband.
Then the gravity of the situation starts to come into focus. I don't know how to do marriage. Have I ever seen a good marriage outside of my grandparents'?
The first 12 years of my life were spent under my parents' roof and I can't really remember what their marriage looked like. I can barely even recall what a normal evening looked like before my parents separated. So, instead of a marriage as my example in my teenage years, I'm watching as a parent's new relationship unfolds. And it's destructive. There are constant threats, harsh words and endless complaints. Love is one-sided--it's selfish. I'm in the middle of it all, trying to keep from drowning beneath the weight of this heartbreaking relationship. I don't learn trust, respect or selfless love. I learn how to be cruel. I learn how to win every argument. And I learn how to wound with my words.
I realized that if I was going to understand this marriage thing, I was going to have to search for answers. My mother handed me Created To Be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl and I read it in one day. If it wasn't for this book, my marriage may have crumbled. I may have caused more harm than good. After reading it, I knew I wanted to be a good wife. So, I slowly began to understand that marriage is not a war. It's not a relationship that's supposed to end badly in 20 years when the kids are gone and we no longer have anything in common. It is the most important relationship in my life. And if I want to have a good marriage, if I want to hang out with my best friend every day, then I have to be intentional about it. I have to make it my priority.
I always mention that I have these great conversations with my mother. Well, this entire blog post was one of those. I've been telling my mother all about my wife research. And lately, God's been showing me over and over again that if I'm going to be a good wife, I have to love with intention. And then a guest speaker at our church last night covered this whole topic. If we want to have a good relationship with others, we have to love them with intention.
My husband and I usually spend all day Saturday together. This past Saturday was no different. We do things together during the week, but we try to get out of town for the day. Even if it's just a trip up to Lowe's. When we crawled into bed that night, he leaned over and whispered that he had a great day. A year ago, those words never would have been spoken in our home. And I'm grateful that God changed my heart. Because I do genuinely try to always love my husband with intention. I don't want to have a bad marriage. The only way to avoid that is to focus on having a good one.
A few months ago, my husband and I were sitting on the couch talking. I said to him, "I know we didn't know each other as well as we probably should have when we got married. You could have turned out to be a serial killer or really boring. But I'm so glad that I married you anyway. It turns out I like you a lot more than I thought I would." He started laughing at what he calls my 'overly-dramatic' side.
Though it's only been a little over two years, going through our first rough season together made me believe in the power of commitment and that, when two hearts are focused on the same goal: to have a good marriage, they can accomplish anything. It's not always rainbows and butterflies. My difficult side comes out every now and then. And Kelly, well, the man isn't perfect, but he sure tries. We have rough days. They remind me that every day I have to intentionally fight for my marriage.
--Jessica
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