When I got married, I was under no illusion that marriage would be all rainbows and butterflies. Witnessing the destruction of my parents' marriage at the young age of 12 taught me a thing or two about this nearly impossible relationship. It's a 24/7 job that is full of hard work, sacrifice and grace. And if you're lucky like me, you'll marry a man who doesn't mind the fact that you talk his ear off the moment he gets home from work until the moment he falls asleep at night. Every. Single. Day.
If you really think about marriage, it's almost as if God set it up to be the most difficult thing you'll ever attempt in your life. Think about it. You have two people, who were raised in two completely different homes, coming together to spend the next 70-80 years of their life under one roof. Oh, and they're not suppose to kill each other. Yeah, like I said, it's a nearly impossible relationship. But when God's at the center of it, it becomes a relationship full of possibilities.
Our wedding day was perfect despite the 110 degree weather in Las Vegas. Yes, we got married in Vegas. It may sound cliche, but we actually wed in a fancy chapel. I wore a gorgeous white dress and my husband was decked out in a nice tux that I picked out. No, he has not yet forgiven me for picking out his tux. That's why in 23 years, when we have our vow renewal ceremony, I will be letting him pick out my dress. I sure hope I don't live to regret that promise.
I wasn't always the woman I am now. I used to be a little bit...controlling? No, that's not the right word. Untrustworthy maybe. I'm not exactly sure. I was convinced if I didn't pick out Kelly's outfit, I'd be walking down the aisle to a man in a powder blue tuxedo wearing flip flops. I guess I still feel that way. I pick out his clothes every morning, iron them, and then place them on the bed for him to slip into. Overbearing...that's the right word! I am overbearing. But he doesn't seem to mind too much.
Anyway, we got married in Vegas with family and then ate at The Bootlegger. Seriously, they have the most amazing food. I sometimes ask Kelly to drive me to Vegas for dinner because I am craving their lasagna. One of these days, I know he'll say 'yes'. After our delicious dinner, we drove off into the sunset. The next morning, our marriage began.
Like all young girls, I was raised in a home with Disney movies. I don't blame my parents for letting me watch them. It helped me to have high standards. O.K. so there hasn't been any horseback riding into the sunsets with my prince. But from time-to-time we drive off into the Oklahoma sunset in his 1970 Maverick. It's almost as romantic. The one thing I think Disney fails to show is the relationship after the wedding. So many girls I know focus on the wedding. "It's going to be gorgeous!" "It's going to be the best day of my life!" "I can't wait to say those vows!" I never felt that way. I never wanted to plan a wedding. Hence the location. I guess you could say I didn't really put all my energy into the wedding. I put it into trying to be a good wife. And you know what happened, God opened many doors for me to learn. He's even taught me a few secrets of the trade. I'm still a work-in-progress, which means He's still teaching me about this wife thing.
So, what exactly has 2 years, 1 month, and 25 days of marriage taught me? Well, here you go.
1. Don't argue. Whatever you're arguing over, it's not worth it. Believe me, I would rather live in a peaceful house with a happy husband than in a home where I'm always right. Pick your battles. Arguing with your husband over what color to paint the walls is not one of them. Besides, I've learned that if I gently suggest something, he's probably going to listen better than if I'm angrily shouting at him and pouting. How do I know? I lived through my first year of marriage that way.
2. Respect your husband. I know the eyes are rolling. And some of you are probably even saying, "He doesn't deserve my respect!" But it's a well-known secret many pastors and their wives have passed on to me: Men, above all else, want to be respected. So, respect him. Even on the days he doesn't deserve it. Because I can tell you that it's on those days he needs your respect most. A sure sign that you're not respecting your husband is an unhappy, sarcastic man. Don't question his decisions. Don't try to control them. Respect him enough to let him make the decisions. Instead of disrespecting or undermining him, try praying. God will honor a woman who respects her husband. Ask any good wife. She'll attest to this.
3. Go along for the ride. I have not always been an adventurous person. In fact, I have always found the word 'homebody' to be a good description of my personality. I love being home. I'm not sure why. So it took me a while to let loose when Kelly would come home and say, "Let's go for a ride." "Where are we going?" I would ask. "Do I need a jacket? Should I grab my purse? How long will be gone?" Oh my, the questions were endless. And my husband would look at me like I was crazy. In the end, I just gave in. My only request is that he lets me use the ladies' room before we head off on our adventures. A few months ago, as I was dropping off his forgotten lunch at work, he asked me to go to Ponca City with him. I hadn't showered, my hair was a mess and I was still wearing my pajama shirt. But I went anyway. And we had a great time despite my messy appearance that he didn't even notice. Wherever I'm going, I know he'll take good care of me.
4. Compliment him. I know my husband doesn't need my compliments. He has never been the type of person who looks to others for approval. But I compliment him anyway. I tell him he's handsome and smart. He's hard-working and strong. I want him to know how I see him. I try to take an interest what he's interested in. Which is mostly web design. I'm just going to be honest with you: I will never be a web developer. Sure, I can write an 80,000 word book, but I refuse to code one line. It's miserable work to me. But for my husband's sake, I get involved in his projects and attempt to learn from him. And he likes that. It's also good for our marriage. I know how hard he works day in and day out. It's also the reason I am able to compliment him on his skills. You don't have to be interested in everything he does, but take time out of your day to try and find something you can help him with. He will be eternally grateful to you.
5. Let him lead you. I think this is the one I struggled with most. I come from a divorced family. That means I spent most of my teenage years leading myself. Both my parents worked early mornings so I was in charge of getting myself to school. And, on occasion, my brother (when he wasn't too busy trying to come up with excuses as to why he couldn't go to school that day). I packed my suitcase that traveled between houses. I worked a job to pay for my cell phone, gas, and car insurance. I led my life very well. Then I got married. And there I was, looking at my husband thinking, "There's no way he's going to be a better leader than I am. I've had 10 years experience. He's had zero." But, thankfully, God opened my eyes. Regardless of how well my husband does his job of leading me, I'm going to follow him. That's my job. My job is not to decide where we're going to live or what cars we're going to drive (trust me if I had my way, I'd be cruising around in a Lincoln MKX with a heated steering wheel). Of course he asks my opinion, but in the end he knows I'm going to follow wherever he leads. Like I mentioned earlier, God honors a wife who submits to her husband's authority of leadership. That doesn't mean I'm a doormat. It simply means I give my husband the responsibility of making all final big decisions. He's done great so far. And he's proven to me that I can trust him.
6. Make your home a joyful place. My husband is gone for 8-9 hours a day. And I view those 8-9 hours as my personal time. That means I am free to do whatever I need to before he comes home at night. I go run errands, shop, blog, write, cook, read, clean, work, play my music loudly and talk on the phone to relatives. The hours between 9-6 are mine. All mine. I spend my mornings getting my husband off to work. I make his breakfast, pack his lunch, iron his clothes, and walk him to the car to kiss him goodbye. When he gets home at night, we eat dinner, shop for electronics, make estimates, walk the dogs, watch his favorite TV shows (which are always about the state of Alaska. Seriously, I know more about Alaska than I do about California. And I grew up there!). The list is endless. But to put it in simpler terms: we do what he wants to do. And I'm fine with that because I have 8-9 hours in a day to do whatever I need to do. It's what has allowed me to create a joyful home. I'm happy because I've gotten all my stuff done and he's happy because we're doing his stuff together. Husbands are happy to come home to joyful house. A house filled with tension and strife is a home they'll try to avoid. When my husband comes home from work, a hot meal is sitting on the table for him, a candle is lit in the entryway, I've picked up the house and turned off all noisy devices. After a long day of work, he comes home to a quiet house with food waiting. If that doesn't make a man happy, I honestly don't know what will.
7. A grateful wife is key to a happy marriage. At least once a day, I thank my husband for choosing me to be his wife. You would think he would grow tired of hearing me say these words, but he never does. Instead, he gives me a big hug and a kiss. Listen, my life before him wasn't terrible. It was filled with many good things. But when Kelly walked into my life, everything changed. It was like he knew my needs before I did. That's why he moved me to Oklahoma. Though he could see things more clearly, it took me leaving behind my former life to realize how destructive it really was. I lived in a town I only associated with pain. Pain from my parents' separation. The pain of a broken heart, broken relationships, broken dreams. Looking back now, I'm grateful he saved me from a life I was miserable living. And for that, I will always be grateful to him. Gratefulness is a wonderful attitude to have toward your spouse. It helps you overlook their flaws (trust me, we all have them!) and focus on the good.
I'm not a perfect wife and I don't have the perfect marriage. I fail every day. But the great thing about failing is that I learn from my mistakes. You know what my attitude toward this wife thing is? Strive to be the best I can every day. That is my attitude toward marriage. I'm going to mess up and so is he. That's why we leave room in our marriage for grace. We haven't always had the best marriage, but we work on it all the time. Someday, maybe we'll master this nearly impossible relationship. For now, I think we just focus on one day at a time. That's all you can really do.
--Jessica
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