The Good Wife Chronicles: When You Fail Him

I remember the first time I failed my husband. I was going through a period in my life where I woke up with anxiety almost every morning. My entire day would be spent in a state of constant anxiousness. 

At the time, we only had one car. And after a few mishaps driving our trusty old 1970 Ford Maverick, I could no longer handle the stress of driving it coupled with my anxiety. Breaking down in the middle of an intersection brought me to tears and my chest felt like someone was sitting on top of me. The only way I made it to my husband's work to pick him up was by the grace of God, and seven minutes of crying out in agony that God would get me to my destination before I had a complete meltdown.

It was at this point that my reliance on my husband was so demanding that I truly believe it made him resent me, though he would never admit it. 

I had a difficult time leaving the house. I had a difficult time going into stores and to church. I had a hard time just trying to exist. And he beared the weight of his wife's weakness quite well. But I could see it etched on his face every time I asked him if I could stay home from church because my anxiety was crippling:

He longed to have back the wife he married. 

The free-spirited, independent woman who captured his heart when he was just 15 years old. The loud, cheerful woman who happily kissed him goodbye every morning. The woman who loved to laugh and play. 

And to tell you the honest truth, I missed her as well. 

I was weak for the first time in my life, and I was failing my husband as his help meet. The guilt was almost too much to handle.

You and I are going to fail our husbands. When our weaknesses are on full display for our spouse to see, I believe that they will rise to the occasion. For how long? I'm not sure. I know that my husband would allow me to rely on him for my every need for the rest of his life if that's what I needed. My husband is fiercely loyal and noble. But I knew that I could not live that way anymore. I could not--and would not--be afraid.

So, I took action. I finally talked to my mom and told her everything that was going on. She recommended that I talk to our pastor's wife. I did and she suggested I journal daily. 

I tried for a few weeks, but found that I was having a difficult time doing so. I had spent my whole childhood and teenage years using Word to write practically everything. As much as I love writing, I can't do it with a pen and paper. My husband told me I should start blogging. Taking his suggestion to heart, I sat down at my computer and started this blog to document my journey. And I'm very happy to say that I have not experienced any anxiety since the day I decided to blog of God's goodness and faithfulness.

I'm going to fail my husband. And you will fail yours. But God constantly reminds me that he does not expect me to be perfect in my wife role. He knows better than I do that I will falter and will need forgiveness. As long as I begin each day with the desire to be a good help meet to my husband, God will never fail me in my role. He will always provide me with wisdom and opportunity. And, my dearest wife friend, he will do the same for you.

I'm so grateful that God filled the Bible with stories of women just like you and me. They have a beautiful desire to do good, they fail, they ask for forgiveness and guidance, and God changes their heart for the better.

Read one of my favorites, the Woman at the Well, here. 

When you fail him, remember that the words "I'm sorry" are the most powerful words in a marriage. Acknowledge your failure, ask God to give you the wisdom to not make the same mistake again, and trudge on!

Your marriage is worth fighting for!

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,

Jessica

Did you like this post?

To read more of my series, The Good Wife Chronicles, check out past posts below!

A Letter To The Angry Wife

Be His Loudest Cheerleader
Dealing With the Proverbs 31 Woman
The Soul Mate Complex

Michal's Mistakes

The Seeds That You Plant

We had a missionary, Brother Fran, visit our church a couple of weeks ago. And he said something that I really needed to hear.

"Every day, you should pray and ask God to help you bear fruit."

That's when it hit me. We can't effectively plant seeds without God's help.

When we pray that God will help us to plant seeds, he will send the right people across our paths at the right time. Perhaps we will need to encourage them, minister, uplift and help.

Whatever the needs of those God is sending across my path, I know that he has already equipped me with the right tools to help them because I'm already praying that he will.

Today, ask God to help you to plant seeds and bear fruit.

--Jessica

How To Deal With Negative People

I love my job. I love it so much in fact that I hardly view it as a 'job'. I view it more as a place to encourage, teach, grow, and learn. And my students are oftentimes the best tools for learning. 

A tall, white-haired woman walked into my classroom a few semesters back and immediately told me that the room was too cold and if I expected her to learn, the room needed to be warmer. 

I mainly teach older people and they are refreshing in this aspect. I never have to wonder what they're thinking. They will literally just blurt it out. If I'm not explaining something right, they will tell me. If my 12 examples are not working, they will ask for another one. If I say something they believe is wrong, they will argue. 

From the moment this woman opened her mouth, I knew she would become one of my greatest teaching lessons. And she did.

Every time this lady would enter my classroom, I would hear the same four things:

1. She married a weak man

2. Her dead mother-in-law was a horrible person

3. Her very large house was too crowded and she needed a new one

4. I--the teacher who has 23+ years of experience on the computer--know nothing about the computer

At first, I laughed off her negativity. I am not a negative person by nature and I tend to run from people who complain constantly. But I knew that I was going to see this woman for 16 weeks straight and if I didn't find a way to brush off her constant negativity, it would make my job dreadful.

So, my work truly began.

In the beginning, the best thing was to simply ignore her. She would interrupt my lessons to tell me I was wrong. She would try to convince the other students that I didn't know what I was talking about. The more I ignored it, the more she tried to engage me. 

Four weeks in, I had had enough. She interrupted me while I was giving the class the answers to the quiz in the back of the book. 

"You can find the paragraph that explains this answer on page 92."

"No," she sternly replied. "The answer is on page 97."

I took a deep breath and turned to page 97. "This is an assignment you can do at home. This is not where the answer is. The answer is on page 92."

"No, it's not," she argued.

I turned back to page 92 and said, "Class, the answer is on page 92. If you would like to see an example of how this works, you can turn to page 97."

"The answer is on page 97!" she yelled to the class.

"No," I replied as I looked at her. "I have worked out of this book for 2 years and I have taught several classes out of it. The answer to the question is on page 92. You can write whatever page you would like to in your book, but the rest of the class is going to write page 92 on their answer sheets."

After that day, she never interrupted me again. And it saddened me that I had to stand up to her to get her to back down. I hate (I know it's a strong word, but it's the truth) when people make me do these types of things. In my perfect world, we would all get along and talk--not argue, yell, or put people in their places. But as a teacher, I had to consider what was best for the class as a whole. I can't have someone giving my other students the wrong information. 

From that day forward, this lady looked at me in a different light. 

12 weeks later, I handed this woman her certificate of completion. She was smiling, happy and positive. So, how did I manage to turn this woman's negativity into something positive?

Here's how:

1. Do not laugh at their negative comments.

This is where I went wrong. In the beginning, I laughed at her negativity, but quickly learned that laughing encourages their behavior. If you want to get rid of a behavior, it's best not to encourage it with laughter or interest. When this woman would talk about her dead mother-in-law, I would walk away. When she would tell me about her weak husband, I would remind her that she was very lucky to have married a man who gave her a beautiful life. When she would tell me that her house was overcrowded, I would tell her that she needed to have a garage sale. When she would tell me I knew nothing about the computer, I would gently remind her that I literally 'grew' up on the computer. Eventually, she tired of me not giving her sympathy and began talking to me about her hobbies. 

2. Don't return negativity with negativity.

Nothing seemed to infuriate this woman more than me constantly encouraging her. She would tell me she would never learn how to use the computer and I would encourage her every time I walked by her chair. She would tell me the weather was horrible and I would tell her that the best part of fall was the changing leaves. I made sure every response was a positive one because I wanted to show her that there was nothing to be negative about. People have two choices: see the good or see the bad. I wanted her to recognize that I was someone who always saw the good and she was not going to change my mind about that.

3. Listen, but do not encourage negativity.

Halfway through the class, I realized why this woman was acting so negative: she craved attention. As soon as I realized this, I began taking a much bigger interest in her. I began to understand that she was left alone in a house all day long. Her children were grown and no longer living near her. And she didn't seem to have any friends. I asked her about her hobbies every time I saw her and by the end of the class, she was arriving 15 minutes early to show me some of the projects she was working on. We'd sit in the back of the room and she'd show me all her crafts. The more time I invested in her, the more positive she became. What I believe most negative people need is simply other people. They need someone who can inject so much optimism that they can't shake it off. 

It's true what they say: we teach people how to treat us. Negative people want sympathy and attention. Their reasons for that attention aren't always bad. They just need to be reminded that a positive heart and attitude will attract more people than a negative one.

Be positive. See the good. Never tire of encouraging. One day, it just may change someone who walks into your life unexpectedly.

--Jessica

Encouragement For the Day: Romans 8:31

Adversity. Difficulties. Misfortunes. They seem to follow me everywhere. But I expected it; I was warned early on in my Christian walk that I would be target for adversity.

And I'm perfectly O.K. with that. 

Paul explains this adversity in 2 Corinthians 4:8-9, "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

The world in which we live despises Christians. How do I know? The constant attacks against my faith, my God, and my Savior. 

And I'm perfectly O.K. with that. 

Because Jesus reminds me in John 15:18, "If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first."

The world holds me at a higher standard than the rest of the world. They're waiting for me to mess up. They're waiting for me to make a mistake. They're waiting for me to falter in my Christian walk.

And I'm perfectly O.K. with that. 

God promises me in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that His "grace is sufficient." 

God is for you. He will never abandon you. You may be facing adversity today, but remember that the world we are living in is not our home. This world is our mission field. To save more souls for his glory. And if God is for me, I do not fear those who are against me.

Christian, don't grow weary. The world has never been on our side. It has--and always will be--against us.

Take heart, Jesus overcame the world for YOU.

I know how my story ends. It ends with the Father welcoming me home to my mansion in the sky. My greatest hope is that I hear, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." 

Have you thought about how your story is unfolding? Is it filled with adversity like Jesus' was? Do you know how your story ends?

--Jessica

A Broken Sensor

We were sitting in front of a funeral home in Owasso, expecting the worse. My car was overheating and we had no idea how we were going to get home in the pouring rain.

Because of today's technology, my car will tell me when my oil needs to be changed, when I need to put gas in it, and when my engine is overheating. Those are just a few examples; there are plenty of other alerts that can appear on my screen to tell me when my car is in need of attention.

Here's the thing: the technology in my car is so advanced that it will recognize a reading from the sensors placed strategically throughout the engine to let me know that my car is overheating. If I don't take the precautionary steps, it will put my car into 'protect mode' to keep my rpm's low. Now that's advanced technology!

We managed to get the car home safely by fervent prayer and slow driving. We replaced the water pump and thermostat, though we were pretty sure it was a sensor inside the engine that needed replacing. To be on the safe side, we focused on fixing what was easiest. But it turned out replacing those parts did not fix the problem. The problem was not on the exterior of the engine--it was on the inside.

Three days later, my husband stood before the car holding two sensors. I had been praying for three days straight that this was the solution to our overheating problem and that God would give my husband the wisdom he needed to replace these sensors with ease. If it turned out that the sensors were fine, then we were looking at a bad engine. However, if it was just a sensor that needed repair, it would mean that my engine was not overheating and that the system could easily be fixed.

The time it takes to remove the portion of my engine to reach one of the sensors is over an hour and a half. So, we started in after he got home from work. With the help of my father-in-law, we were able to take apart the engine to reach one of the sensors. The first sensor my husband wanted to replace was broken in half! With a big sigh of relief, he happily removed the problem from the interior of my engine.

As the new sensor was put in place, my father-in-law noticed that something seemed wrong. The new sensor crumbled in his hand as he tried adjusting it. We had a faulty new sensor. Now that we know what the main problem is--and have a new part on order--my car will be up and running again soon.

But the whole experience has taught me one great God truth: we will, from time-to-time, end up with a broken sensor. And though we will try to fix the exterior first, the only way to get back to our faith is to do a major work on the inside.

I fall off course sometimes. I forget to read my Bible and to pray. I forget that I can't do this alone. I get caught up in the world and forget my Savior.

But THANK GOD that he shows me when I have a broken sensor. And with much prayer, grace and determination, my heart is set on the right course again.

 If you've strayed from the right path today, take the time to say this prayer of repentance:

God, 
I know that I'm not on the right course. 
I know that I have strayed too far from you. 
Please, help guide my footsteps back to you. 
Remind me that I need you every hour of every day. 
Thank you for always loving me in spite of the wrong turns I take in this life.
Amen

The Journey Ahead

We all go through seasons. Most of them are trying. They try our patience. They try our character. They try our commitment to our faith.

The journey ahead is filled with lowlying valleys and daunting mountains. There will be rough seasons ahead. But there will also be good ones.

Wherever you find yourself on your journey today, don't fear what lies ahead. God is already there.

"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

-Jessica

The Good Wife Chronicles: A Letter To The Angry Wife

Dear Angry Wife,

I know that you're human. I know that you're tried. I know that you're wounded. Because I've been there. I have been the 'Angry Wife'.

I'm not sure what you're angry about. It's really none of my business. But I want you to know that I care about your marriage. I so deeply care about your union with your husband. And because I care so much, I felt led to write this letter to you.

You and I--we married flawed men. They have, and will, disappoint us because like us, they are only human. They will make mistakes. They will push us to our limits. Though they will try, they won't always meet our every need. They will, ultimately, fail us. 

Because they will fail us, we will spend a big part of our marriage forgiving these flawed creatures we share a home with. And we'll have to let things go more often than we really want to.

These sinners we have married are tasked with a hard job, just like ours. They are called to be leaders--to lead spiritually, physically, and financially. These tasks come with a great amount of responsibility. And stress. When he's stressed out, what he needs most is grace--not anger.

I don't know why you're angry. Maybe your husband is cheating on you. Maybe he's putting his needs above yours. Maybe he's mean. Maybe he's not as romantic as he once was. Maybe he expects more out of you than you can give. I don't know why you're angry, but I know that nothing can be resolved when you're angry.

An angry wife can destroy her marriage quickly. She can rob her household of peace and joy. She can force her husband to work late and get up early just to avoid her. Eventually, he will stop communicating with her altogether.

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires." James 1:19

You have a choice everyday. You can choose to be a joyful wife who overlooks her husband's shortcomings, or you can choose to be an angry wife who repels her husband.

Angry Wife, please don't ruin your marriage over his choices. Don't push him away when he needs you most. Offer grace, forgiveness and encouragement. I have never met a man who hasn't been charmed by his smiling, joyful wife.

Whatever you're angry about today, let it go. Hand it over to God. Start--right from this moment--choosing joy over anger. With your encouragement and love, your husband will slowly become the man you often pray he steps up to be.

Angry Wife become the Joyful Wife today and watch your marriage slowly restore itself.

Your Wife-Friend in Christ,

Jessica

Did you like this post?

To read more of my series, The Good Wife Chronicles, check out past posts below!

How To Build Common Interests With Your Husband

Be His Loudest Cheerleader
Dealing With the Proverbs 31 Woman
The Soul Mate Complex

Michal's Mistakes