I remember the first time I failed my husband. I was going through a period in my life where I woke up with anxiety almost every morning. My entire day would be spent in a state of constant anxiousness.
At the time, we only had one car. And after a few mishaps driving our trusty old 1970 Ford Maverick, I could no longer handle the stress of driving it coupled with my anxiety. Breaking down in the middle of an intersection brought me to tears and my chest felt like someone was sitting on top of me. The only way I made it to my husband's work to pick him up was by the grace of God, and seven minutes of crying out in agony that God would get me to my destination before I had a complete meltdown.
It was at this point that my reliance on my husband was so demanding that I truly believe it made him resent me, though he would never admit it.
I had a difficult time leaving the house. I had a difficult time going into stores and to church. I had a hard time just trying to exist. And he beared the weight of his wife's weakness quite well. But I could see it etched on his face every time I asked him if I could stay home from church because my anxiety was crippling:
He longed to have back the wife he married.
The free-spirited, independent woman who captured his heart when he was just 15 years old. The loud, cheerful woman who happily kissed him goodbye every morning. The woman who loved to laugh and play.
And to tell you the honest truth, I missed her as well.
I was weak for the first time in my life, and I was failing my husband as his help meet. The guilt was almost too much to handle.
You and I are going to fail our husbands. When our weaknesses are on full display for our spouse to see, I believe that they will rise to the occasion. For how long? I'm not sure. I know that my husband would allow me to rely on him for my every need for the rest of his life if that's what I needed. My husband is fiercely loyal and noble. But I knew that I could not live that way anymore. I could not--and would not--be afraid.
So, I took action. I finally talked to my mom and told her everything that was going on. She recommended that I talk to our pastor's wife. I did and she suggested I journal daily.
I tried for a few weeks, but found that I was having a difficult time doing so. I had spent my whole childhood and teenage years using Word to write practically everything. As much as I love writing, I can't do it with a pen and paper. My husband told me I should start blogging. Taking his suggestion to heart, I sat down at my computer and started this blog to document my journey. And I'm very happy to say that I have not experienced any anxiety since the day I decided to blog of God's goodness and faithfulness.
I'm going to fail my husband. And you will fail yours. But God constantly reminds me that he does not expect me to be perfect in my wife role. He knows better than I do that I will falter and will need forgiveness. As long as I begin each day with the desire to be a good help meet to my husband, God will never fail me in my role. He will always provide me with wisdom and opportunity. And, my dearest wife friend, he will do the same for you.
I'm so grateful that God filled the Bible with stories of women just like you and me. They have a beautiful desire to do good, they fail, they ask for forgiveness and guidance, and God changes their heart for the better.
Read one of my favorites, the Woman at the Well, here.
Your marriage is worth fighting for!
Jessica
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