3 Years Later...

I entered my marriage with a lot of baggage. We're talking about suitcase after suitcase of trust issues, anger issues, a bitter heart, a broken heart, and the fear of constant rejection.

My poor husband...what on EARTH was he thinking marrying me?!

I'm not really sure, but I THANK GOD every day that he did.

I had no expectations for my husband when we said our vows. I'm being honest here. I was so far from this fairy tale idea of love that I didn't have expectations of a knight-in-shining-armor. I knew my husband was human and would probably make a few mistakes along the way. And I also knew that marriage was hard. So hard that most marriages around me had failed.

I didn't have the expectation that things wouldn't work out either because I knew that if my husband held my heart, it would always be safe. He is a fighter and the most stubborn soul I have ever met in my life, but so kind and pure. So I never worried about a failed marriage with him.

I just worried that I would never get over my past. I would never heal completely. And that I would waste the days ahead of me.

So, I entered my marriage with no idea how tomorrow would turn out.

But tomorrow kept coming and things kept going well. I slowly began to heal. And my walk with God strengthened; my heart forever changed.

Listen, three years of living with someone will bring on its problems. We had a rough patch. We were both going through changes and neither doing what God expected of each spouse in a marriage. But we worked it out and kept pushing forward. And when enough time passed, we sat down and we each took blame for our parts. I'm so thankful I married a man who admits his faults and knows the value of the words, "I'm sorry."

My husband is the most amazing man I know. He can be gentle with me, but a fierce warrior when he walks out our front door every morning to partake in the work God has given him to do. And it doesn't matter how horrible the people who need things from him treat him; he treats everyone the same and helps without hesitation. He will never put you down or speak ill of you behind your back. It's very rare that he even shares secrets others tell him with me. I prefer it that way; I want my husband to be someone his friends and family can trust to confide in without anyone else finding out. He's resourceful and can do anything he sets his mind to. And every Sunday morning, he drives me to church holding my hand.

My husband is far from perfect, but I thank God all time for leading me to Kelly. My life was O.K. before him, but now that our lives are meshed together, I can't imagine a single day without him.

So, what have three years of marriage taught me?

1. Just go with the flow. No matter how many times you tell him his dirty clothes go in the laundry basket (not 3 feet from it on the floor), he will still continue to throw them on the floor.

2. Expectations ruin relationships. I can expect my husband to take out the trash all I want, but that doesn't mean he'll do it. And on the rare occasions when he does, I make a really big deal about it because my heart is overjoyed.

3. Your marriage will NEVER be perfect. So don't fret. Anyone who tries to convince you their marriage is a fairy tale is flat-out lying. Every marriage experiences highs and lows. Remember that. Work through your problems. Don't look for an exit strategy when things aren't going the way you want them to.

4. Build a life together. My husband and I have built a life together. Our recipe is simple: find common goals and dreams and then work TOGETHER to accomplish them. Sure, we have separate dreams, too. But our main focus is on what we can accomplish working with one another.

5. Forgive quickly. This has saved my marriage over and over again. We don't hold onto the past in our marriage. We let it go. There's no use in rehashing the past when the present is so special. It truly is. Every day is a gift. If you haven't gotten there yet--you haven't realized this--it's time to open your eyes and learn the art of gratitude.

The Truth About Excess

It was a statistic I had never heard before. If you make $35,000 a year or more, you are in the top 4% of earners in the WORLD.

I sat very still for a while. Because I didn't want to admit it. I didn't want to admit that my husband and I are in the top 4% of earners in the WORLD. I didn't want to admit that I'm the rich person the Bible talks about. You know the verse: "...it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God." (Matthew 19:24)

Sure, in terms of millionaires and billionaires in this country, I'm considered poor. But if I take the world as a whole, I'm so well off it's not even funny. I have access to resources, jobs, people, and the opportunities for wealth truly are endless.

Thanks, Jen Hatmatker. Thanks for helping me see how warped my mind can really be sometimes. Can we be besties?

It was a rough week for me. Probably one of the roughest on my faith journey to date. Some dark days of confusion clouded my ability to accept the truth. And then God got through to me. It's strange to me that the weeks God messes up my life completely have turned out to be the very best learning curves for me. Because I need to be reminded often where I stand in the kingdom of God. 

And today, in terms of my resources, I'm very rich.

This past weekend, my husband and I had Father's Day at our home. Our home, which is filled with beautiful trinkets and treasures, is modest in comparison to Beverly Hills, but it's practically a mansion compared to the humble abodes other people call home in other parts of the world. 

We had a table full of food. A TABLE FULL. We could have fed a small army with all the food sitting on our table. I had to put leftovers in my garage fridge. That's right, my garage fridge. Not my kitchen fridge. Not the deep freeze that's full of food. The garage fridge. It scares me to think that we have so much food I have to have a second refrigerator to accommodate it all. 

And then last night, after working in our garden all evening (praise Jesus we have a huge backyard where we can grow our own food), I took a hot shower. With clean, running water. Have you ever found yourself there? Standing beneath the shower head and thinking, "I'm really lucky I live in this country. I'm lucky to have warm water. I'm lucky to bathe every single day"?

I praised God for that hot, running water. Why don't I do that more often? Why do I take the little things for granted? Why don't I praise God for them more often? Why can't I see how blessed I truly am?

It's because I have too much. I look around my house and it's just excess. 

Can I just be honest here for a moment? This morning while I was reading my Bible, I stopped and asked myself a really simple question: Is there anything that you need right here in this moment? My answer was 'no'. I went one step further. Is there anything that you want right now in this moment? My answer was 'no'.

Friend, never in my life before have I ever answered 'no' to the second question. Never. There is truly nothing more in this world that I want that I haven't already been given. In terms of material possessions, food, and shelter, God has truly blessed me.

I know that this moment won't last forever. Everything is temporary. I am entitled to none of this. But I'm grateful that God, who is rich in mercy and grace, has given me everything I could ever dream of or want at this point in my life. It's unreal. It's scary. It has me worried. My fear is that I'll forget where I came from. From that two-room studio. From a broken past wracked with trust issues and bitterness. I'm scared I'll forget what God has done for me. I pray often about this. It's probably why God decided to mess my life up over my wealth. To remind me that without Him, I am and have nothing.

God has equipped me with 'excess' and I know what I need to do with it now. I need to start giving it away. Because everything I own and possess is really His. If I want my excess to mean something, then I have to do good with it. I want to do good with it. That's my heart's newest desire.

The truth about excess is this: God always intended for us to use our blessings to bless others. So, let's do it. Let's make this excess thing a good thing. Especially when there are so many people in this world who need our excess. 

God uses His people to be His hands and feet in this world. Let's be that for Him. Let's reach out. Let's stop amassing material possessions that won't last beyond our lifetime. Let's be a simple people. Let's love the Lord and His people. And let's remind them God cares deeply for them.

--Jessica

You Are A Beautiful Mess

This world can break my heart sometimes. It's in those moments, when the tears fall too easily and my heart throbs, that I realize I'm a mess.

I recently volunteered to give my testimony at one of our church's Ladies' Meetings for the month of July. I've been praying for God's help because I'm terrified. I'm afraid to stand and speak before these ladies who know who I am today, but aren't acquainted with the broken child I once was.

I've been praying for grace and a clear mind. I need it desperately because dealing with my past has never been easy for me. It's filled with a lot of hurt and heartbreak. But each year that I work on those issues, there comes a breaking point where God reminds me that He is Healer, Warrior, King, Father, and Comforter. And my heart is once again healed.

I was praying early this morning and I told God, "I'm just a mess." He gently replied, "Jessi, you are a BEAUTIFUL mess."

We are all broken, but God takes our brokenness and makes something beautiful out of it if we let Him.

So, on July 7th, I'm going to let God take my brokenness--the ashes of my early life--and make a crown of beauty out of them.

I don't plan on being terrified because I know that I am a BEAUTIFUL mess.

You're More Than Enough

It had been one of those days. The kind where I made two pots of dark roast Starbucks coffee and drank it ALL. I had spent 10+ hours working (the kind you do at a real job. Except I get to do it in the comfort of my own home. In my PJs). I won't even mention the two hours of house cleaning I did afterwards.

Someone said it. Someone uttered the words.

"I don't know why you always say you're busy. You can't be that busy. Don't you just sit on the couch all day long and watch TV?"

I'm sure they meant it in a harmless way. But I really had to pray for the whole 15 second pause I took before responding. Thank goodness for God's mercy and grace, otherwise a long list of mean and harsh words would have escaped.

My life is very full and I love that. My days are spent in constant motion. As soon as I hit the pillow at 11:30 every night, I'm already passed out from the long day.

When people make assumptions about my life, I easily get frustrated. But here's what I learned recently: I don't owe anyone an explanation for how I spend my hours between waking and sleeping again. I do, however, owe God one.

Like everyone else, I'm often met with unrealistic expectations from the people around me. And they like to be very vocal about their opinions of how I should be spending those 18 hours I'm awake.

For a long time, I would hold a brave face in front of these people. I didn't allow my tears to form until I got home. My poor husband would sit beside his weeping wife as she asked why the world was convinced she should be doing everything but what she was called to do (at the time, I was merely a housewife who was learning how to cook and clean).

"Get a job," they all said.

And I resisted because God had specifically laid it on my heart to focus on my wife role. Shortly after mastering the kitchen and learning the art of ironing, God brought me a job. I started teaching a few classes at the school.

"Oh, you only work part-time," they said.

And I bravely moved forward, ignoring their remarks. Because I knew that God had still called me to be a good wife who was focused on her home; not how much money her part-time career brought home.

"Oh, you run a business, teach, volunteer, clean, take care of a household and do yard work. Surely, you could do more. Because I'm still convinced you sit on the couch and watch TV all day."

I think it was at this point that I threw my arms up in the air in defeat. Because THERE IS NO PLEASING THE WORLD.

Even if I wanted to, I can't. I can't give enough or do enough to get the world's acceptance. And that's fine with me. Because I'm not interested in the world; I'm interested in God.

I have found that the world, which continually says, "Let's accept everybody for who they are," won't accept me simply as I come. I'm not thin enough. I don't work enough. I don't give enough. I'm not pretty enough. I don't make enough money. I don't abandon my morals and values in pursuit of the impartiality it proclaims, but never gives.

But those are all lies the world tells. They are just lies. There is no truth to them.

God will always accept me just as I am.

And when the world says, "You'll never do or be enough," I know my God always responds with, "You are more than enough."

Miss Jessi, Let's Go On An Adventure

They were the words of a sweet six-year as he held a sword (a stick he found in the grass) and pointed it toward the clear blue sky.

How could I refuse? An adventure? I couldn't remember the last time I had let my imagination run wild. It had been too long, in fact. And the part of me that loved to dream and imagine took over as I smiled and took his hand.

I was in charge of rations (2 water bottles and the car keys) while Asher led us with his swift sword through a scary forest. A.J. was in charge of spotting the 'dangerous lions' who were trying to 'hurt us'.  And so the three of us took off on this made up adventure on the playground as the sun began to set in the distance.

It had been years since I had actually gripped the cool metal of the monkey bars. And though I was certain there was no way I would fit down that twisting slide, I somehow managed to slide down with grace and class. I climbed a miniature rock wall and crossed the 'DANGEROUS rope bridge' that was on the verge of breaking. The drop below was a 'bazillion' miles. So, I was instructed to cross with caution.

I laughed. I played. And I imagined for an hour. And it felt good.

As we were heading back to the car after our long adventure (and we had defeated the evil "Boss Monkey"), Asher tapped my arm and said, "Miss Jessi, I found this tiny cross in the grass. Jesus left it there for me to give to you."

I teared up as he placed a small stick that resembled the cross they learn about every Sunday in our Sunday School class in my hand.

Here's the thing: God uses children to teach us the most beautiful truths. There was no hesitation or doubt. Jesus left it there. He placed it in Asher's path to share with me. And I was reminded that I doubt God too often. There are no coincidences in this life; only God's will.

--Jessica

These Are Some Good Days

My husband and I are in the midst of some serious opposition. And it's O.K. When I signed up for this Jesus thing, Paul warned me. "...join with me in the suffering for the gospel..."

He didn't say, "Join with me on this painless journey."

Or "Join with me on this easy walk with Christ."

Nope.

He chose the word suffering.

So, I faithfully took that first step knowing that opposition would come, and it would come often.

Because Satan is in the business of turmoil, heartache and hardship. Just ask Job. He can vouch for me here.

I knew when I accepted that Sunday School teaching position, it would infuriate Satan.

Because he doesn't want me to share the Good News.

He doesn't want children to hear stories about Joseph forgiving his brothers.

He doesn't want children to stand beside one another singing, "Jesus Loves Me" at the top of their lungs so the whole church building can hear them.

He doesn't want me to win lives for God's kingdom.

Instead, he wants me to fail. He wants me to doubt. He wants me to second guess.

But this week, as opposition barred down on every corner, God said to me: "These are some good days. In the midst of opposition. In the midst of hurt. In the midst of these day-to-day troubles, these are some good days."

Do you know why these are some good days?

Because we are alive.

Because we have one more day to be here, in this world, with these people who need light and salt.

Because today is the day the LORD has made and regardless of what happens, we will rejoice in it.

Because God is faithful.

Because God is good.

Because God loves me.

And He loves you.

The Good Wife Chronicles: The Nagging Epidemic

This is probably going to be one of those posts you wish I didn't write. Because it deals so heavily with our culture and the way marriage is presented in our society. It's one of those topics where I personally struggle. But being able to share this with other wives is the whole reason I'm writing this. My prayer is that this will strengthen your marriage.

I am not writing from a place of condemnation or judgment because I struggle with nagging my husband probably more often than I'd like to admit. Thankfully, I learned a very important lesson in my first year of marriage: my marriage is far more important than winning any argument. A peaceful home is better than being right.

This is going to be tough post to get through because it will challenge you in your wife role to hold your tongue when our culture says, "Tell it like it is." And it may even challenge you to change who you are at your core.

Listen, I know that not every wife nags. But I spend enough time around secular and church wives to know that this truly is an epidemic in our society. And it's not just out in the world. It's in our churches, too.

The definition of nag:

1. to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands; 2. to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner

It's a pretty straightforward definition. Simply put: a nagging wife is one who relentlessly complains, demands and irritates. Woah! Talk about wake-up call! I don't know about you, but she is not the type of woman I want to be. In fact, she is the furthest thing from the wife I long to be.

I have witnessed the nagging wife and I have also been the nagging wife. She is easy to spot in a crowd. Her stiff body language and demanding tone are a sure sign that she's in her full force nagging mode. And, my dear wife friends, this woman a great embarrassment to her husband and family.

The truth is, I feel for her. I feel for the woman who wakes up early to start the day and still can't seem to get everything done that she needs to. I feel for the woman who spends her days working a full-time job and then comes home to her other full-time job: wife and motherhood. I feel for the woman who can't seem to get ahead of her laundry. I feel for the woman who sits by herself for a few moments and wonders what the point of all this is.

Because I am that woman. And my natural instinct is to nag my husband for help. I can't tell you how many times I have stood before him in tears and yelled, "HELP ME!"

I drown beneath the weight of my responsibilities so often. Let me type that again: I drown beneath the weight of my responsibilities. And I know you do, too.

I am married to a Command Man. If you're familiar with Debi Pearl's Created To Be A Helpmeet, then you know I married a man who refuses to take out the trash. It's who he is at his core and I can't change it, though I spent many months trying to in the earlier days of our marriage. I'm not the wife of a Mr. Steady who doesn't place a whole lot of responsibilities on his wife (honestly, I'm so jealous of you Mr. Steady wives!). Instead, I'm married to a man who is--and I mean this in the nicest way possible--extremely demanding of my time. So often I joke that I am my husband's personal assistant. But that is how he views me. And Biblically speaking, as a helpmeet, that's exactly what my job is. To assist him though this life with whatever he needs. But when that interferes with my ministry and my job outside the home, our home can quickly become a horrible place to be standing in. Because as the heart of my home, if I am troubled or stressed, then the balance of peace is gone. And my husband will end up listening to a nagging, ungrateful wife who doesn't have it all together.

Here's the thing: I pray endlessly that I'm a Proverbs 31 woman for my husband. And the more I pray about this woman I long to be, the more God helps shape my prayers. Instead of praying that I'm a good wife, I pray that I'm a wise wife who's eyes are always open to her faults, who loves with no bounds, and who encourages other wives to live out this Proverbs 31 truth.

But it's hard to be like this woman who is so highly regarded throughout Christian circles. Oftentimes, I'm not even close to measuring up. But I thank God that He opens my eyes and helps me see my faults.

If you turn on the T.V., you will most likely find a nagging wife gracing the screen. That's what our society says wives are. And they aren't wrong. We do nag. We do complain and we do demand. But we can change.

If you find yourself sucked into this nagging epidemic like I find myself so often, then maybe it's time to stop complaining and start thanking.

Laundry. Dishes. Paying bills. Errands. Carpool. The list is endless. But this list is the reminder that our homes are full of people we love with no bounds. These are some good days, my wife friends. Let's focus on this and not on how big our piles of laundry are.

Your Wife-Friend In Christ,
Jessica