The Greatest Lesson My Marriage Has Taught Me

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Marriage.

When I see the word now, I see a new definition.

Yes, Merriam Webster has already defined the word.

noun: the relationship between a husband and a wife

And our culture may have tweaked the definition here and there.

But this is the word that has defined my relationship with my husband for the last couple of years. And what I've realized over the past 3 years and 8 months is that a marriage is far more complex than I ever imagined.

My parents' marriage was sort of a mess. I remember watching it with young eyes. My father spent hours laboring hard at work. He would come home to a clean house and a hot meal waiting. But he never tried to converse with her. And she never tried to emotionally tie herself to him. At least, not when I was old enough to comprehend marriage.

There was never any laughter.

No joy.

No fun.

No affection.

I can't remember any of that.

Perhaps there were moments here and there. But never a lot. It shaped how I viewed marriage at a young age.

I often dreamt of a man who would come home and excitedly converse with me.

I often dreamt of a man who would laugh with me.

I often dreamt of a man who would pursue my heart in the moments when I wasn't being vulnerable and open.

And then I prayed for such a man when I was old enough to understand that God is the perfect matchmaker.

I longed for more than my young eyes witnessed.

It saddens me now to look back. To see all the possibility. To see that my parents gave up too soon on something that was too important. But I no longer live with their choices. I'm much too happy to dwell on a sad past.

I will forever credit my mother and father for teaching me one of the greatest lessons in life: love is a choice. You choose to love someone. You choose it every day, over and over again. And you don't give up.

When Kelly ran into my life, everything changed. Yes, he literally ran. Right across the front yard as I gazed out the window. He was tall and he was shrieking with laughter. Isn't that how all love stories should begin?

We were 15 and I was in a weird stage.

I vowed to never get married.

Never let a man ruin me.

Never let anyone hurt me.

Kelly ran after me for five long years. And, finally, after wearing down my tough exterior, I understood that love is what you make it. I'm not doomed to repeat my parents mistakes if I have learned from them. If I learned that when all else is stripped away, there must be a foundation of friendship. Love can't survive without it.

Surprisingly, that isn't the greatest lesson I've learned. Yes, there is one far more important. And I believe if we begin to understand this, it would salvage a lot of marriages.

Our differences can be our greatest assets.

My husband communicates differently than I do. 

And I used to believe that he communicated was dead wrong.

My husband approaches a problem differently than I do.

And I used to think that he'd never solve anything worthwhile with his approach.

My husband loves people differently than I do.

And I used to assume it was because I didn't know how to love people well.

My husband cooks differently than I do.

And I would beat myself up because I didn't know how to cook.

My husband cleans differently than I do.

And...well...let's just leave it at that.

The list is endless because we have a large number of differences. But we have discovered over the course of 3 years and 8 months is that instead of working against one another, we could use our abilities and talents together to accomplish more.

So, we began communicating more, rough as it was.

And we began solving problems together.

And we began loving people better.

And we began alternating days to cook dinner so I could learn how to make a meal.

And we decided I would do all the major cleaning in the house and Kelly would stick to vacuuming. 

Here's the thing: we all do things differently. It doesn't mean one approach is better than the other. It just means we all come from different backgrounds where we learned different behaviors and ways of thinking. 

In the end, we all bring different assets to the table. Use them. Learn from each other. It takes some adjusting, but different is good. Always remember that in marriage. Different is very good.

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