Grace, Peace, and Understanding

My prayers used to be very selfish. Most were requests for things from God. As an immature Christian, I believed these things would make me happy. They would bring me peace. For a young woman who had to give up most her possessions as a pre-teen, I truly believed that these things would bring me joy. But as my faith continually grows, so does my understanding. 

For the last several months, I've been searching my heart. I've been asking myself hard questions. If you believe the Word of God, why aren't you more obedient? Are you truly giving your all to serve God? What things do you need to give up so you can give more to your calling? What is your calling? Are you the same person at home that you are at church? The questions are hard and the answers are even harder. But I know that it's important to ask myself these things. My life is an open book. It always has been. I just want to make sure that when people look at my life, they see a broken young woman who was saved by God's grace. Not a young woman who made a few good choices that turned out well for her. All of my successes--all of my triumphs--were by God's hand. Not my own. 

So, I have started what I consider a 'self-discovery search'. And what a journey it has been! This search has led me over many mountains and through very low lying valleys. I've had rough days. Days that made me question my faith and wonder if God was even there. I've had good days. Ones where God made His presence abundantly known. I've faced countless doubts and cried many tears. Then, by God's unending grace, I realized I needed to stop asking God for things. Things don't make life easier; they make life harder. Things accumulate. Things get dusty. Things break down. Things deteriorate. Things can be taken away. Things are just things. What this self-discovery search showed me is that it's not my circumstances that need to change--it's me that needs to change. My character. My faith. 

The change has been slow, but it's had life-changing results. My prayers are no longer in hopes of getting things from God. My prayers sound a little more like this: "Lord, I don't understand this situation. I don't know where to go from here. I pray that you would grant me grace, peace, and understanding." I'm genuinely interested in changing my person--not my situation. And God has given me these three things I've been asking for. Here's what He's been doing over the last four months...

Grace

My husband and I love helping people. I think that's probably one of the biggest things we have in common. Our hearts are the same. We want to help people. We want to do good. And, together, we have accomplished that over and over. 

My husband is really my hero. He once saw a homeless man who came to one of our church services sitting beneath a sign in the middle of summer. He dropped everything he was doing to drive through Burger King to get the man a cheeseburger and cold water. He knows how to love people. And I yearn to be more like him. 

We aren't afraid to give you our time or any of the things we own. But when people take advantage of our kindness--when they use us--it's heartbreaking. We aren't opposed to working for free. We aren't opposed to giving you what you need. The only thing that bothers us is when people go back on their word. We've been confronted with this several times over the last couple of months. My sweet husband hasn't once been angry or said a negative word. Instead, he offers them grace. In the midst of this trial, I cried out to God asking for the same thing. "How, Lord, do I give these people grace?" God answered quickly, "How often do you go back on your word?" The truth stung. I know I fail God at least once a day. But He continually offers me His grace anyway. 

The bottom line: People will take advantage of kindness. Be kind anyway. God sees the hours you put into others' lives. That's all that matters. Always work for others without expecting anything in return even if they say they will repay you. Work for God--not man.

Peace

If you've been reading my blog posts lately, you've probably noticed most of them involve our endless search for a new house. We search. We find. It falls through. We search. We find. It falls through. It's a tiresome search. It's a heart-wrenching search. This search has robbed me of my peace. 

One night, I was laying in bed as tears started to fall. The entire day had been exhausting. The oven wasn't working. The piles of laundry were daunting. I had work to do, but couldn't pull myself together long enough to get it done. The dogs were hyper. The weather was terribly hot. We received bad news. Another house had fallen through. I was at my wits end.

As those tears fell, I understood why. My peace was gone. I was in a state of turmoil--of survival. I hadn't felt like that in years. It brought back horrible memories. I thirsted for peace to return. I was ready for the dry spell to be over. The next day, God rolled those storm clouds in. And rain drops fell from the sky. I stood outside and let them fall on my face. Something about that storm calmed me. It reminded me that each day is different. They're not all bad days. Most are good.

The bottom line: In the middle of a raging storm, take time to enjoy the rain. Eventually the storm clouds will clear and the sun will shine through. Flowers will come to life. The grass will turn a darker shade of green. Sometimes, all it takes is a little rain to return beauty to the vegetation.

Understanding

I was driving to Claremore for class when I began to understand why God allows suffering into our lives. I think it's on those 30-minute drives that God truly works on my heart. It must be the endless miles of green, rolling hillsides that get my attention. 

I was thinking about all the suffering that had taken place in our home over the last four months. People going back on their word. Houses falling through. Pain from every day life. "Why, God?" I asked. Silence. I started to think about this verse that had been popping up for the last two days: "and provide for those who grieve in Zion--to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes." (Isaiah 61:3)

It made complete sense for the first time. Beauty for ashes. God is good. He is always good. He would never cause suffering. It's not in His nature to. 

There are three causes of suffering in this life: ourselves, others, and the devil. God doesn't cause suffering. He allows suffering, but He doesn't create it. The truth is, life will crumble you. Life will break you down. It's when you have nothing left--only the ashes--that God will create something truly beautiful. I've seen Him do it numerous times in my life. People have asked me why God allows suffering. I'm not sure that I have a great answer. All I know is that when we have nothing left, God can do something wonderful in our lives. Once He does, you'll never look at suffering the same way again.

At the end of the day, it's not about the things you've acquired that matter; it's the person you have become in spite of your difficult circumstances that really matters. Life is not about having more toys than your neighbor. Those things can all be taken from you. You character and your word are the only two things in this world that no one can ever take from you. And that's something only suffering has taught me.

The bottom line: Don't focus on material things. Don't focus on what's going wrong. God will give you beauty for ashes in His timing. He will bring you through suffering. He will provide you with peace. He will give you the grace to handle situations and others well. Sometimes, all you really have to do is ask God for these three things: grace, peace, and understanding. And He will give them to you.