Strong

Strong. Strength. Bravery.

Those three words describe a lot of people I know, love and admire. But they've never really been words that described me. 

If I'm being really honest, I've always viewed myself as weak. 

I was weak because my parents divorced when I was 12 and I withdrew from friendships, school and life because the pain almost killed me.

I was weak when I got married at 22 to the best man I've ever known even though it wasn't what everyone wanted.

I was weak when I let people demean and belittle me because peace was more important to me than standing up for myself. 

I was weak when my body couldn't carry Alex past 32 weeks without causing high blood pressure and protein in my urine (aka preeclampsia). I was weak when  I had to lay on the couch for 4 weeks because my life and my son's depended on it. 

I was weak when they kept losing Alex's heart beat as I was miraculously in natural labor at 37 weeks with no preeclampsyia (that's a story for another time) and I hurriedly decided an emergency C-section was the best course of action. Alex came out with the umbilical cord wrapped so many times around his body my doctor said he may not have made it.

I was weak when I couldn't produce enough milk to breast feed so I gave my children formula to nourish their bodies. 

I was weak when I chose to distance myself from situations that only produced chaos and turmoil in my life. 

I was weak when I had to seek help for anxiety and panic attacks after the tragic death of my aunt only a few days after my daughter stopped breathing and turned blue at 2 months old. 

I was weak when I chose my family over the expectations of others.

I was weak when I chose to forgive when there was no apology made.

I was weak when I stopped letting the opinions of other people speak louder than God's opinion of me.

I was weak until the day I asked my son who the bravest person he knew was and he said, "You are, Mom."

In my weakness, I found great strength. And what I perceived through the noise of other people's thoughts and opinions was actually strength and bravery all along.

"...God uses the weak things of the world to shame the strong." 1 Cor 1:27