The First 10 Weeks of Pregnancy

It came as a shock.

"Wait," I said out loud to myself. "Just wait a minute."

I started to do the math. I'm 4 days late. I'm never late. 

It's the truth. Since 13, I've been tracking Aunt Flow with a calendar every month. I've spent half my life calculating. And I knew instantly that what we'd been praying for two months had finally come true.

It was on our 4th wedding anniversary that I took a pregnancy test and discovered that I was, indeed, pregnant. Oh, what a sweet day it was. Even though I spent most of it crying happy tears.

Joy accompanied the next few weeks as we told our families and bought onesies. I couldn't keep it together on the phone with my grandmother and broke down in silent tears. That's how excited I was to tell her.

We were on Cloud 9 and it was a good feeling.

But the truth about the first 10 weeks of our pregnancy is that we discovered our greatest joy could coincide with someone else's deepest heartache. And that was hard to swallow. Especially when it was made clear I could possibly contribute to the pain because of my unborn child.

I struggled with guilt. Not because I had done anything wrong; but because I couldn't understand why God had allowed the worst kind of tragedy to someone who didn't deserve the hurt. It seemed unfair I was so happy. And through many tears, I wrestled with my emotions and questions.

My only answer came in the form of a Bible verse, Job 1:21: "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."

It felt like a terrible answer at the time. I remember thinking,"There were so many other verses that could have comforted my troubled heart right now." But after a few days, it reminded me that God holds everything in His hands. There are no laughs of joy or tears of terror that escape His notice. He knows all, sees all, and decides all.

Sometimes, the answers don't come. And we have to be OK with that, even though it seems impossible at times. We have to trust that God knows what He's doing. He sees the big picture; we only see what's in front of us. But that's how faith works. Faith is trusting when everything seems bleak, knowing that the one who holds the future cares for us so deeply that He would never allow something bad to happen without birthing something good.

A few people told me that my joy shouldn't be hindered by someone else's pain. It wasn't. It just showed me that I am capable of deep compassion and understanding, even when painted in a negative light.

I believe that in the midst of this messy life, we are given an opportunity to extend good or bad when life throws us an unfair circumstance. A circumstance that we really wanted no part in.

Maybe I was lied about. Maybe I was painted unfairly. I don't know because I don't have all the facts about what happened. The thing is: I don't need them. I choose to believe that at our darkest moments, we can choose to blame someone out of anger. It doesn't always make sense; but it's not always about the person being blamed. Sometimes, it's about our hearts.

My heart chooses to believe that through miscommunication and heartache, I was caught in the middle of a storm I didn't realize I was in. A storm I should never have been a part of, but was dragged into unwillingly. I wish I could change everything and make things right. But I'm not the Creator of the Universe. I don't get to choose who experiences joy and pain.

So, my prayers have remained constant. Prayers for this tragedy, prayers for my heart, for my child, prayers for all involved. Because only God can heal broken hearts. Only God can make sense of tragedy.

This is what 10 weeks of pregnancy has taught me: life is beyond precious. And forgiveness is always good for the soul.


To document my pregnancy, I'll answer these questions every couple of weeks and include pictures...when my bump appears :)

How far along: 10 1/2 weeks

Baby size: kumquat

Total weight gained: 0 so far!

Sleep: Mostly good, but some nights I toss and turn because I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in. That's pretty normal for me!

Best moment of the week: Well, I'll choose from the past 10...seeing Baby Hansen on the 8-week ultrasound. Our doctor said baby already has LONG legs. Not surprising since Kelly is 6'7"

Miss anything: Cold salami...turkey...roast beef...pretty much cold sandwiches.

Movement: Nothing noticeable yet!

Food cravings: Mostly fruit. And protein.

Anything making you queasy: Ground beef. YUCK!!

Have you started to show yet: Slightly, but nothing anyone other than me would notice.

Gender: Not sure yet, but the general consensus says GIRL. I don't have a preference. I'd be happy with either. But my gut instinct says girl.

Labor signs: NONE

Happy or moody: A good mix. Mostly happy, but I have a few emotional-crying days and some cranky days.

Exercise routine: Mostly swimming at the Rec Center for an hour every day. Walk when it's not blazing hot out.

Looking forward to: My second trimester! I'm hoping my energy returns :)