The Good Wife Chronicles: The Nagging Epidemic

This is probably going to be one of those posts you wish I didn't write. Because it deals so heavily with our culture and the way marriage is presented in our society. It's one of those topics where I personally struggle. But being able to share this with other wives is the whole reason I'm writing this. My prayer is that this will strengthen your marriage.

I am not writing from a place of condemnation or judgment because I struggle with nagging my husband probably more often than I'd like to admit. Thankfully, I learned a very important lesson in my first year of marriage: my marriage is far more important than winning any argument. A peaceful home is better than being right.

This is going to be tough post to get through because it will challenge you in your wife role to hold your tongue when our culture says, "Tell it like it is." And it may even challenge you to change who you are at your core.

Listen, I know that not every wife nags. But I spend enough time around secular and church wives to know that this truly is an epidemic in our society. And it's not just out in the world. It's in our churches, too.

The definition of nag:

1. to annoy by persistent faultfinding, complaints, or demands; 2. to find fault or complain in an irritating, wearisome, or relentless manner

It's a pretty straightforward definition. Simply put: a nagging wife is one who relentlessly complains, demands and irritates. Woah! Talk about wake-up call! I don't know about you, but she is not the type of woman I want to be. In fact, she is the furthest thing from the wife I long to be.

I have witnessed the nagging wife and I have also been the nagging wife. She is easy to spot in a crowd. Her stiff body language and demanding tone are a sure sign that she's in her full force nagging mode. And, my dear wife friends, this woman a great embarrassment to her husband and family.

The truth is, I feel for her. I feel for the woman who wakes up early to start the day and still can't seem to get everything done that she needs to. I feel for the woman who spends her days working a full-time job and then comes home to her other full-time job: wife and motherhood. I feel for the woman who can't seem to get ahead of her laundry. I feel for the woman who sits by herself for a few moments and wonders what the point of all this is.

Because I am that woman. And my natural instinct is to nag my husband for help. I can't tell you how many times I have stood before him in tears and yelled, "HELP ME!"

I drown beneath the weight of my responsibilities so often. Let me type that again: I drown beneath the weight of my responsibilities. And I know you do, too.

I am married to a Command Man. If you're familiar with Debi Pearl's Created To Be A Helpmeet, then you know I married a man who refuses to take out the trash. It's who he is at his core and I can't change it, though I spent many months trying to in the earlier days of our marriage. I'm not the wife of a Mr. Steady who doesn't place a whole lot of responsibilities on his wife (honestly, I'm so jealous of you Mr. Steady wives!). Instead, I'm married to a man who is--and I mean this in the nicest way possible--extremely demanding of my time. So often I joke that I am my husband's personal assistant. But that is how he views me. And Biblically speaking, as a helpmeet, that's exactly what my job is. To assist him though this life with whatever he needs. But when that interferes with my ministry and my job outside the home, our home can quickly become a horrible place to be standing in. Because as the heart of my home, if I am troubled or stressed, then the balance of peace is gone. And my husband will end up listening to a nagging, ungrateful wife who doesn't have it all together.

Here's the thing: I pray endlessly that I'm a Proverbs 31 woman for my husband. And the more I pray about this woman I long to be, the more God helps shape my prayers. Instead of praying that I'm a good wife, I pray that I'm a wise wife who's eyes are always open to her faults, who loves with no bounds, and who encourages other wives to live out this Proverbs 31 truth.

But it's hard to be like this woman who is so highly regarded throughout Christian circles. Oftentimes, I'm not even close to measuring up. But I thank God that He opens my eyes and helps me see my faults.

If you turn on the T.V., you will most likely find a nagging wife gracing the screen. That's what our society says wives are. And they aren't wrong. We do nag. We do complain and we do demand. But we can change.

If you find yourself sucked into this nagging epidemic like I find myself so often, then maybe it's time to stop complaining and start thanking.

Laundry. Dishes. Paying bills. Errands. Carpool. The list is endless. But this list is the reminder that our homes are full of people we love with no bounds. These are some good days, my wife friends. Let's focus on this and not on how big our piles of laundry are.

Your Wife-Friend In Christ,
Jessica

Chalkboard Mondays: Do What Is Right

Last week, God showed me how faithful He truly is to me. I'm a flawed, difficult creature. And He loves me and cares for me anyway. It amazes me that regardless of how many times I flounder and fail, God's hand is quick to rescue.

I'm so grateful his mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22-23). My dearest friend, they are new every morning. I can personally testify to this Bible truth.

God revealed to me throughout this week that His love for me is truly endless. I can't even begin to understand the love of God. I know that I may never be able to "grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ" for me and you (Ephesians 3:18). I know that we sometimes view God as the Old Testament God. The God who chastised many for their sins. But we oftentimes overlook how much time He spent trying to turn His people back to Him. God is so patient and kind. And knowing that He is for me and walks with me in all I do, I'm unafraid. Because I learned early on that God is faithful.

This week, I'm focusing on the decisions that I make. Regardless of what choices we make, they have consequences for not only to affect us, but the people around us, too. And the thought that my decisions have the power to wound others terrifies me. Because that is the last thing I want my choices to do.

So, this week our household is focusing on making wise, long thought-out decisions that honor God. Because we don't want our choices to wound others. We want our choices to fill them, to lift them up, to build them up.

And I hope you feel the same way.

"Do what is right, not what is easy."

--Jessica

Let Yourself Rest

What I adore most about God is His faithfulness. At all times. In all things. If you've been reading this blog, then you know I can't write a single post without telling you how wonderful my God is to me. Regardless of what I'm going through, I can always rely on God to teach me a beautiful lesson or truth that brings tears to my eyes. I love when He convicts my heart. I love when I find myself on my knees in prayer, thanking God for His endless mercy.

I'm just going to be completely transparent with you: I'm too busy. I'm just too busy.

My days are spent in constant motion. Phone calls, emails, lesson plans, errands, traveling to teach, teaching a class, forgetting to eat lunch, listening to voicemails, cleaning, laundry, yard work, making more phone calls, writing text, helping my husband code websites, walking the dogs, making sure everyone who sets foot in my home is well fed, caring for the poor, the needy, the widows, the fatherless, my church people, my community.

My life is very full. And don't mistake my transparency as complaining. I am so grateful for the full life that God has blessed me with. But as full as my life is, I oftentimes find myself running on empty. And when I'm running on empty, I don't like who I become. I don't like the feeling I get when I have nothing left to offer my people.

A couple of days ago, after a three-hour long meeting I was almost late for due to my other responsibilities and forgetting to eat breakfast, I texted my husband and said, "I can't do this anymore." He asked me what I could no longer do. And I simply replied, "Life."

I was worn out. Worn out beyond anything I've ever felt before.

For the past week, I had housed five children, took on a new teaching position, tried my hand at website sales, coded a Contact page without any help from my husband (praise God for this miracle!), wrote 10+ pages of website text, befriended a widow and spent countless hours writing a non-disclosure agreement. This on top of all my normal responsibilities. And I know that you have found yourself at this place a time or two before. It's in these moments that the ugliest parts of who we are emerge.

A sure sign that I have pushed myself past my limit is when I begin to view the people God sends across my path as inconveniences. In keeping with my theme of transparency: anytime my phone made a noise, I would cringe and groan. But here's the thing: I had been praying for several weeks that God send a widow across my path to help. I was very specific. And when she crossed my path, I was not in a position to love her the way I had prayed about. The way I had hoped I'd be able to.

The problem was not God's timing; the problem was that I hadn't let myself rest.

We all go through busy seasons of life. The longer I live, the busier I become. But God commands us to rest. And when I was sitting in the dark by myself, tears streaming down my face, I simply told God I didn't have time to rest. He, who is so kind and gentle with me, reminded me of this passage:

"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy." - Exodus 20:8-11

 God created us. He knows us so well. He knows that if we aren't careful, we will push ourselves to the point where we can't do His work because we don't rest when He tells us to. The Bible clearly states that we are to rest on the Sabbath day.

Dear friends, are you resting? Are you taking time to let God refill your empty tank? I sure wasn't. I was running on empty and out of love and compassion for the people around me. You have a full plate just like I do. You have limited time in each day. But it's commanded in the Bible to rest. So, when you feel overwhelmed and empty, do as God commanded. Whatever responsibilities await you, they'll still be there tomorrow. For the night, take a rest. His mercies are new each morning.

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." - Lamentations 3:22-23

--Jessica

The Good Wife Chronicles: An Open Letter To Husbands Everywhere

Dear Husbands,

I want to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart. Every day, you awake and head to a job that supports your family. Maybe you like your job, maybe you don't. Perhaps you spend 8 hours in an office or commuting or making house calls or working hard labor in rain, sun and snow.

Whatever your job, thank you for doing it 5- 6 days a week. You are a true man if you provide for your family in this way. You deserve a medal that states, "Your Name is a man of integrity, humility and courage who faithfully provides and cares for his family." Honestly, you deserve accolades and praise for your service to your family. And my prayer is that your wife acknowledges this.

Here's the thing, husbands: you work hard. Your job is difficult and stressful, even on the best days. Because your job is to provide spiritually, financially and emotionally for the people God has entrusted you with. And most days, it probably seems like an impossible feat.

Please don't take this as a slight against your gender or role, but I can most likely guarantee that your wife's job and role aren't as highly regarded to you as they ought to be.

Your wife's main role is this life is to be your best and most devoted helper. She takes care of the details--the miniscule things that slip your mind--so you can handle the big things. Her job, while not regarded as meaningful or worth praise in our society, is almost more important than yours. You see, she is the glue that holds your beautiful family together.

Take my husband for instance: the poor man can't even remember where he takes his shoes off. He will be eagerly roaming the house at 8:53 am in search of the size 12 work shoes that are no doubt in an obvious location.

"Honey?" he will call out perplexed.

"They're under the dining room table!" I'll holler back.

This, husbands, is a daily occurrence. One I would miss terribly if he weren't around. I am that in tune with his needs and the way his mind works.

Most of the time, I will take care of his needs before he realizes them. His shirt will be ironed before he gets out of the shower each morning. His dirty clothes washed and put away. An invoice sitting on his desk to be delivered. A new gallon of milk in the fridge. The lawn mowed and edged. A cold drink brought to his place of work on hot days. A warm meal awaiting his arrival home from work.

I live and breathe my wife role. And often times, I feel it goes unnoticed. By my husband and by the world.

Your wife's role calls her to give up her daily wants--and sometimes needs--to care for you. I can tell you it is her most fulfilling role. But over time, when you don't show your appreciation or gratitude because life is busy and you assume she knows she's valued though you never tell her, she'll start to resent her role. She will resent the role that society looks down upon. She will resent the role that others mock because they laugh at submission and esteem the nagging, independent women who control their husbands.

Dearest husbands, if you have a noble (distunguished, different, distinct) wife, know that she is worth more than rubies. Read Proverbs 31 to get an overview of her role. It will shed a ton of light on who she was created to be and how you can pray for her role.

If the world is telling her that her role is not worth much, it's of the utmost importance that YOU remind her how valuable she is. You don't have to do it every day, but once a week make a point to let her know you appreciate her.

Here are some ways you can do just that:

Take out the overflowing trash
Load or unload the dishwasher
Rub her shoulders
Tell her you appreciate her
Make her dinner (even if its just spaghetti!)
Remove all water bottles/dirty socks/plates or whatever you keep a collection of on your side of the bed
Sit on the couch and talk to her--really have a deep conversation
Call her on your lunch break to tell her you were thinking of her
Praise her--loudly--for all to hear
Speak to her kindly--in all circumstances
Hold her tight

Husbands, I know you are smart, hardworking fellas who love their families immensely. Your faithfulness is proof of your good works. Don't forget your wife works just as hard in her role. She will praise the Lord over and over when she has a husband who acknowledges her importance.

Husbands, you've got this!

Your Wife-Friend In Christ,
Jessica

Chalkboard Mondays: God Is Faithful Always

There are times I'm certain God is tired of me. "Jessi, Jessi," I imagine him gently saying, "I have never left your side yet you still doubt my faithfulness. Why?"

It'd be one of those moments where I would just shrug in defeat. There are no words for my lack of faith in God's faithfulness. Too often, I feel unworthy of his blessings. Perhaps that is why I devote my life to my creator.

I am ordinary. I am weak. I am talent-less without God. He is the most faithful father and friend I've ever known. But I still doubt.

This week, we're focusing on remembering how faithful God has been and will be. Friend, God is right there with you. Don't forget it.

--Jessica

Love Not the World

I'm sure you know the feeling quite well. In our lives, we all experience terror at one point or another. The terror of being homeless. The terror of ending up locked behind bars. The terror of losing a loved one. The list of things we fear is endless.

I'm not sure what you're most terrified of, but I'm terrified of messing up. I know that may sound strange to you. There are many things to fear in this life. Many horrors to keep us awake at night. The state of our world. The leaders of this world. Natural disasters. Disease. War. Hunger.

My fear has nothing to do with the external and everything to do with my heart.

My fear comes from the desire to please God. I have a healthy fear of the one who breathed life into my lungs. I'm terrified of forgetting the past. I'm terrified of forgetting all the things God has done for me. I'm terrified of leading someone astray. I'm terrified of displeasing my Creator and causing Him to feel disappointment toward me. I'm terrified that He will ask me to do something I deem impossible and I won't rise to the occasion. Most of all, I'm terrified that I am capable of the unthinkable. Like David.

I believe that we are all good at our core. In this day and age, that's quite a statement to make. We are surrounded by evil on every corner. I can't turn on my television without witnessing something immoral or wrong. I can't walk out my front door without seeing a neighbor barely clothed in their front lawn. I can't go into a business without hearing the unclean talk of the people in my community. I can't go to the grocery store without seeing half-naked photos of some celebrity at the beach in the check-out line. Honestly, I could write an entire post on this alone. Not to get off topic, but I will turn the magazines around. Because the amount of young children who walk through that same line will see them if I do not. And it breaks my heart that this is what they're exposed to in a place they go with their families to buy food. It's disgusting.

The world in which we live is doing everything it can to deter me from my Creator. It will stop at nothing to fill my eyes, my ears, and my mind with impure images, words, and thoughts. That's what scares me. It scares me that if I'm not focused on Heaven, then I might be consumed by the world. I believe we all can be placed in that position. If that doesn't scare you, if you are not terrified by the thought that you are O.K. with these things, then I think it's safe to say you are polluted by this world. Friend, now is the time to turn your eyes from those things. Now is the time to re-evaluate your life.

My pastor said something so insightful that everybody should hear it. "The world will tell you that it loves and accepts you as you are. But it is the world--not God--who will keep reminding you of your past." Those are the words of a career criminal who was saved in a jail cell. He has gone on to have 9 beautiful children, a wonderful wife, a ministry that is focused on serving God and a testimony that is one of the most heart-warming miracles I've ever heard. He is not perfect, but that's why I love sitting in a pew every Sunday morning and hearing God work through him. Because if God can do it with him, he can do it with me.

And God can do it with you, too.

The question is: are you ready to be done with the world? Are you willing to give up the things of this world so you can be blessed with the things of God?

--Jessica

Chalkboard Mondays: Worry Less, Pray More!

Every Monday, I write a weekly theme for our household on my chalkboard. Last week, we focused on being kind to everyone. This week, our theme is a little bit different. Because this week we're focusing on worrying less and praying a whole lot more!

Some weeks are harder than others. This week has had a rough start. But I know that the more I worry, the less I'm trusting God. So, I'm challenging myself to stop worrying and start praying instead.

I knew the perfect place to put this reminder was on my fridge because I spend a large amount of time in my kitchen. Here's to hoping that this week I'll focus more on how big my God is and how little my problems really are!

--Jessica