Cold As Stone

I stumbled across this picture a few days ago and found myself staring at it for a long time. 

I don't really recognize the girl in this picture anymore. It was taken a little over 7 years ago. I was still in high school. A struggling Christian trying to figure out life with divorced parents. 

It's funny how deceiving pictures are. American Young sings one of my favorite songs, "Love Is War", and the lyrics go a little something like this: 

Nobody hangs hard times on the wall/You won't see it in an 8x10/But there's a storm every now and then

I smiled pretty in this picture despite the storm wreaking havoc on my life.

On the outside, I look happy. But on the inside? Well...I was cold as stone.

Just trying to breathe.

Just trying to survive.

Just trying to keep from drowning.

I remember crying a lot. Then not crying at all. I remember many conversations where my father asked me if I wanted to talk to someone--a counselor.

Looking back now, I wish I had. I wish had sat down with someone who wanted to listen to me and help me work through my heartache.

But I brushed it off. At the time, I pushed aside my feelings and felt nothing at all. Because if I had let the floodgates open, my emotions never would have stopped pouring out. And I wasn't old enough to understand them.

One day, the floodgates did open and emotions flooded my life for many years with unanswered questions. Questions I still don't have answers to. Maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe I was always meant to make peace and let go.

And I have.

But this picture unnerves me. Because I remember this distant memory. I remember who I used to be. Someone broken. Someone trying to just survive. Someone the world had severely wounded.

I'm not that same girl anymore.

Now, I'm a woman who no longer wakes up in the morning feeling numb.

I feel alive!

I cry and laugh and live and love.

I have learned that surviving life isn't just enough; I want to thrive.

Pain comes; that is inevitable.

We all walk through dark seasons.

But they should make us better--not bitter.

--Jessica