Don't Lose Your Tenderness

I was standing in a bathroom stall in San Diego, trying to stop the tears as they poured out of my eyes. I had been wounded. The kind of hurt that, to this day, still brings a sharp pain to my chest.

The memory is vivid and all-consuming. I know that if I dwell on it for too long, I will spend the rest of my day in a foul mood. But, every now and then, it's important for me to reflect on the defining moments of my life.

And this moment was one of the most defining.

I placed my head against the dark blue stall and started to breathe deeply. I began repeating "You're O.K." to myself.

At the time, I didn't realize that I was slowly teaching myself how to turn off my feelings, how to hide them deep down inside. But that's exactly what I was doing. It was too hard to feel, so I just stopped feeling.

I was 12 years old.

In the years that followed, I lost any type of tenderness inside. I allowed the world to harden my heart. If I saw someone crying or feeling, I naturally assumed they were weak. I had been through the battlefield and back before I was 14. I was strong. I was a survivor.

Tenderness was reserved for the weak and frail

I felt that way for a long time. I took on the world's view of gentleness, tenderness, and kindness. You can't be of the world--that's full of murder, deceit. adultery, theft--and value the people who are gentle, tender, and kind.

As the years progressed, my heart continued to harden. And even though I was a Christian, I didn't act like one. I don't think I really believed that God loved me. I don't think I believed that I was worthy of his love. I think that's something we all have to work through.

We all fall short, but he loves us anyway. In spite of who we are. In spite of the things we do. God loves us. We are his. And there's nothing we can do to change that.

God loved me so much that he sent person after person to love on me. To break down my walls. To change me.

I watched my mother, who lost her husband and mother in a short period of time, cry and feel. She wept. She ached. But she never lost her tenderness. She never let herself turn bitter or cold. She took one day at a time and slowly moved forward. She was the greatest example of a true soldier of God--a Christian who loves and lives joyfully in spite of this life's hardships.

Please, don't ever lose your tenderness. Don't let the world steal that from you. It will steal everything you own, but it can never steal your joy, peace and tenderness. The world is full of cold, bitter people who see tenderness as a weakness. We need more people like my mother, who are tender and kind. Who, in spite of their circumstances, possess one of the strongest attributes in times of heartache.

Be tender. It's the farthest thing from a weakness.

There is great strength in falling tears. There is great strength in returning harshness for tenderness. And there will always be great strength in a heart that continually practices tenderness.

--Jessica