Tough Circumstances

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." (Romans 12:12)

I know when God's really working in my life because I can't seem to escape the lesson He's trying to teach me. Everywhere I look, He's literally sending me signs. They may not be neon. They may not glow. But they're right in front of me--screaming for my attention.

It all started in June of 2012. My pastor and his family were in Tulsa and traveling 45 minutes each way to services. That's a lot of traveling with eight kids! They asked for prayers for a home closer to the church. They would find a home, but then it would fall through. Over and over again. I remember telling my husband's aunt that I was so inspired by the way they handled rejection. They weren't bitter. They weren't angry. They were hopeful. They didn't stop praying. They didn't stop telling me that God would see their prayers through. It took a very long time, but almost a year later they found a wonderful home close to the church. They waited months and months. And never once did they act anything less than gracious. Watching them humbled me. It spoke volumes to me. God is faithful. God does want to give us His best. But sometimes He uses our circumstances to minister to us--to teach us. Other times, He uses our circumstances to minister to others.

Recently, my husband and I found a home to buy. Finally. After five months of faithful prayer. Five months of looking at over 30 houses. Five months of rejected offers. Five months of God closing the door. Then, it seemed like God performed a miracle. He literally walked us into the home we knew had been worth all the rejection, all the frustration, all the closed doors. The contract was all written up and ready to be signed. My living room was packed. I mean, we were ready. So ready. Then, the sellers backed out of the sale. And I sat in shock for a long time. Anger followed not long after. These were people we knew. People we didn't think would do this sort of thing to us. People who knew how long we had been searching for a home.

I spent two very long days hating the world. Two very long days not talking to God. Two very long days slamming doors and acting childish. I hadn't thrown one 'temper tantrum' over the whole process. But this house--losing this one--broke my heart in two.

It wasn't big. It wasn't fancy. It was just the place I envisioned raising children, building my husband a huge garage so he could work on that broken-down Maverick currently sitting in my driveway, and putting in a big garden. So, when that door closed, something inside of me fell apart.

I come from a broken home. I can't even remember the last time I felt at 'home' in a place. I've moved so many times over the last 12 years that I never really feel settled anywhere. This house was different than the others. It made me excited to put down roots. To really call some place 'mine' again. There wasn't a single reservation or doubt. There was joy. There was peace. There was gratitude.

But then God started to show me something. He started showing me that wherever I go, people are watching my life. They're watching to see how I handle disappointment, heartbreak, failure, chaos, turmoil. It became very apparent on Thursday as I walked into our church for the creative writing class I teach our home-schooled group. I was talking to my mother-in-law about the house and one of the girls sat quietly beside me and began listening to me. I mean, she was really listening. And I noticed. People are watching my life. Young people are. And what comes out of my mouth can and will affect them. It will minister to them. How I choose to handle tough circumstances will show the people around me--Christians or not--what I believe. Do I believe that God will see our prayers through? Or do I doubt Him? Do I allow another closed door to squash hope? Do I allow that closed door to turn me bitter?

The last three days have been eye-opening. God may not be using my circumstances to change only me; He may be using them to change others, too. I don't understand why things fall through or even why God allows disappointment to come into our lives. What I do know is that I don't want to accept anything less than God's best. If He has a better house out there for us, then I am more than willing to wait for it. In the process of waiting, I hope my attitude will be one of grace, patience, and praise. And I hope that attitude shows others that God isn't holding out. God is only preparing us for the home we will one day own...whenever that day comes.

In the meantime, I will be "joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."

--Jessica