The Good Wife Chronicles: When He Hurts Your Feelings

My feelings are not hurt very easily these days. Three years ago, it was an entirely different story. It would break my heart if someone hurt my feelings. Someone would do something that I would deem "terrible" and I would dwell on it in sadness, which would eventually turn into anger. It was a twisted game I would play in my head.

Then, something wonderful happened. I learned that other people's treatment of me is a product of who they are. Not who I am. Because how we treat one another is a direct reflection of our character. We own our actions; no one else does.

We all have the capacity to do some horrible things. We can wound with our words, our actions, and our choices. We wound behind closed doors and in the open. In front of others. Even in a church filled with Godly people who look down on it. Yes, even me on occasion. 

When someone treats me poorly, I don't view it as license to return the favor. In fact, I make it my mission in life to love and care for the people who intentionally try to wound me. Because if I do not, I will fall back into the trap of bitterness. And when I'm bitter and angry, I'm not loving selflessly. I'm not loving the way God wants me to. I'm not offering mercy and grace.

I've learned how to brush off the actions of others, but the truth is that when my husband hurts my feelings, it literally breaks my heart in two. It's probably because he doesn't do it that often. When he does, it feels like the end of the world. And I have a hard time giving him the love and care I extend to others in the same situation because I live with him. I'm in his constant presence. I don't get to step away from him and take a moment to recollect. 

Last week, my husband made a joke about how often I work outside our home in front of our guests. I immediately became defensive because I know how most people feel about it. They are very vocal in their beliefs about how I should be spending my days. And the last person I expected to bring it up or talk about it was my husband.

Here's the thing: my husband and I made a decision together that I would work part-time, help him run his business and take care of our home. So, it bothered me greatly. 

I crawled into bed that night going over the list. I clean, I cook, I grocery shop, I volunteer, I teach classes, I teach businesses how to use software, I just took over a Sunday School class at church, I blog, I write his website text, I do his books, I do taxes, I do bank runs, I do lunch runs, I do yard work, I paint, I keep both of our schedules in order, I take care of our finances and pay the bills without complaining.

Do you know what happened after I created that list? I gave his silly words power over me. I made a mountain out of a molehill. 

If anyone else in the world would have made a comment about how often I work outside my home, I would have cared less. Because I owe nobody an explanation for how my days are put to use. It was a different story when I felt the person I'm building a home with attacking me in front of others. I wasn't quite sure how to handle it. So, after reciting my list, I did the only thing I knew to do: I prayed.

"God, help me extend the same grace and kindness to my husband that I would to any other person."

And then something wonderful happened again. I realized that the reason I was hurt was because I didn't feel valued by my husband in front of others. His joke was harmless in his eyes but, to me, it was an attack on the work I partake in every day. And can I be honest in saying that the only thing my heart truly desires from my husband is to hear that I am his greatest helper and ally in this life?

Tears filled my eyes and my heart ached. Thankfully, God reminded me that my value comes directly from Him. Though I long to be dearly valued by my husband, I don't do all the things on my list for him. I don't get up early and go to bed late to accomplish every task because I enjoy doing it. I probably wouldn't do it just for my husband alone. That's why my work is done for the Lord.

That's when things were put into perspective.

My husband apologized profusely and explained what he had truly meant by his joke. It had just been a miscommunication. But he was already forgiven. Because I let my insecurities--what I believed my worth was in his eyes--get in the way of my purpose here.

The truth is, Satan will use any means necessary to destroy you. To steal your confidence. To convince you that you are worthless. And he may do it through your husband, in the form of him hurting your feelings.

In the lifetime you will spend together, your husband will hurt your feelings from time-to-time. It is those moments where you must remind yourself whom you serve and why you serve Him. There is no way that I can give my husband the very best of myself if I'm not walking in faith. And you won't be able to, either.

Its O.K. to be hurt. Its O.K. to be wounded. It's O.K. to acknowledge that you are human and flawed. But sometimes the greatest gift you can give yourself is mercy. Let him off the hook. Extend the grace God gives to you on a daily basis. Pray about it. Forgive him. When you do, you will find peace like a river. And that, my wife friend, will do your heart a world of good.

Your wife-friend in Christ,
Jessica

Encouragement For the Day: Do Not Be Afraid

There have been many times that I have trusted God to a very uncertain future. And when things looked bleakest, He performed miracles to save me.

Those miracles--stories that have become a part of my faith and belief that we are not here by accident--give me strength and courage in times of fear and doubt.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. It may be showers of blessings or a harsh drought. But I know that whatever season I find myself in, I can rest assured that God is always working everything together for my good.

"The LORD is with me; I will not be afraid." (Psalm 118:6)

Dear Miserable People

Miserable would have been a good term to describe me in my teenage years. My family life was a complete and total mess. My school life wasn't much better. And my walk with Christ was almost non-existent. I held onto resentment as though it were my life source. They were dark times; dark and miserable times.

I remember waking up one morning and realizing that being miserable would eventually kill me. I could no longer hold onto all the hurt from the people in my life who had wounded me. And there was a very long list.

But I knew that I couldn't live like that anymore. I couldn't exist anymore if I didn't find a way to move past all the pain. I was being drained beneath it's crushing weight.

I always give my husband credit for saving my life. He is, and has always been, whole to me. His parents gave him a wonderful childhood that he loves to tell me stories about. And though there were rough times, he always had a great support system and a crowd of people in his corner to cheer him on. I never imagined that we would ever work out because I was just so broken. My heart was in a million pieces when he volunteered to pick them up and put them back together. God sent him to heal me. And to make me whole. If you knew me 6 years ago, you probably would have thought I was a hopeless case.

But I was tired of being miserable. Tired of just being tired.

Choosing joy is hard. It's not for the faint of heart. There are a million distractions in a day that have the potential to steal your joy. A rude person. A messy house. An unexpected detour. One phone call. A doctor's diagnosis.

If you are miserable today, let me reassure you that life is worth the living. It's worth giving everything you have to a day and pouring yourself into your passions. If you don't have a passion, cultivate one. This life is too short, so let the little things go and pick your battles wisely. I've found the best way to remain joyful is to be understanding in all circumstances. Give people grace when they mess up. Offer mercy when you feel they deserve a whole lot more. Rise above.

"No one has the power to make you feel inferior without your consent."

--Jessica

Chalkboard Mondays: Be Kind

Every Monday, I write a saying on the chalkboard in my kitchen. It's there as a reminder throughout the week to focus my attention on. And I wanted to share it with you. So, I'm beginning a new blog series entitled, "Chalkboard Mondays." I'll share a picture of my chalkboard every Monday and a few thoughts on what I'll be focusing on throughout the week.

Last week, we were reminded as we entered the kitchen to always 'be joyful in hope, patient in affliction.' As we spent last week working on the house, we were reminded that it wasn't too long ago that we were wondering if our home would ever be ours. As things took a turn for the worst when our house fell into foreclosure one day before we were supposed to sign for it, we remained joyfully hopeful and patient. God worked out everything for our good, just like He always does.

This week, we are focusing on being kind. Not just to each other, but to everyone. It's become painfully clear to me over the last couple of days that as flawed human beings, we have a tendency to focus solely on ourselves. Myself included! We each have our own problems and battles. I believe if we offered each other kindness and compassion--regardless of our own struggles--we would be better encouragers and friends in difficult times. I think it's also a great reminder that my battles do not give me a license to be rude or inconsiderate to others. Usually, they are on their own uphill battle. Instead, I'm just praying that regardless of my circumstances, I can remain encouraging and kind to all who surround me.

--Jessica

Confessions of a Part-Time Housewife

Once upon a time, I was a full-time housewife. My days were spent in the steady rhythm of cleaning and cooking. And I absolutely LOVED it. But when life happens, and you're given opportunities to reach people outside the home (or simply make an honest living), you learn how to adapt to those changes. And if you're lucky like me, the work you partake in is both fulfilling and challenging.

To be perfectly honest, I love the work that I do outside of my home. I love teaching. I love preparing lessons. I love going to meetings and making presentations. I love the moments where I get to invest in people's lives. I even love filing and making bank runs to deposit money.

Here's the thing: wearing many hats--Teacher, CFO, Business Owner, Wife, Chef, Maid, Errand Girl, and Assistant--is overwhelming. And at times, my many titles and jobs bring out the worst in me. But they also have the power to bring out the best parts of me. The truth is: I wouldn't choose to be anything other than a Part-Time Housewife.

But it's not always easy to split my time between my home and my work.

The following are the Confessions of a Part-Time Housewife:

1. I'm A Pro At Saying 'No'
I say it often. Not because I'm being rude, but because I know my limitations. I learned the hard way that I can't be everything to everyone. Instead, I choose wisely when saying 'yes.' If I can't put in the hours needed, then I won't waste anyone's time.

2. It's Not In the Cards For Me Right Now 
I've been offered a few full-time jobs. And I have seriously considered each of them. But it's not in the cards for me right now. I would never see my husband if I worked full-time. I wouldn't be able to devote time to helping others. I wouldn't be able to teach our church's home-schooled group Creative Writing every Thursday. I'd just be the woman who works all the time. Don't get me wrong; there is absolutely nothing wrong with that title. It's just not a title I'm comfortable wearing at this point in my life. My husband has always let that be my choice. And I'm so grateful to him for letting me choose.

3. Cleaning Repulses Me
I'm not even lying. I can't stand cleaning. It's one of those things that I loathe with all my being. But I know that it must get done. So, I do it unto the Lord with all of my heart. I scrub those toilets as though my life depends on it. Because this beautiful home that He has given to me deserves to be well kept.

4. I Have Dance Parties In My Kitchen
By myself. When no one is around. I gleefully unleash those 8 years of dance lessons while loading the dishwasher.

5. I Am Exhausted
All the time. But that exhaustion keeps me moving forward. Because I couldn't imagine a day where I don't crawl into bed thanking God for the soft mattress beneath me. It means that I've worked hard. It means that I've given everything I have to the day. Yes, I am exhausted. And thank the Lord that He revives me when I am.

Update On The Hansen Huskies

 

Well, it's been a long time since I wrote a blog on my children dogs. It's probably because I never know where to start. Every day with two huskies is a feat within itself. They keep me on my toes. But I'm grateful for the furry paws that keep the pitter patter of life alive in our home.

My days are quiet. I spend most of my time cleaning, reading, writing, studying, planning, teaching, cooking, running errands, working, and texting my sweet hubby. The huskies spend their days sleeping, eating, digging, running, barking, eating, running, sleeping, chewing on bones, eating, and waiting for Daddy to get home.

Oh, and then there's the constant attempts to run away on Niko's part. Let's just say he got a taste of freedom and he's addicted. And by a 'taste' I mean he literally ran away, chased some goats, had a run-in with a donkey, and then ran back home. To our new house. After only living there a week. O.K. he may have chased Kelly's car home.

Other than that, the huskies have adjusted well to our new house. They are still sweet and stubborn. Especially Zailey who is trying to dig up our storm shelter. She's crazy. But we love the red/white husky that always has dirt on her nose. She also likes to run in circles around the back yard. And if I join her, she wags her tail and her tongue hangs out of her mouth.

Niko spends most of his days waiting for Kelly to get home. And when he does, he lays at Kelly's feet and watches him intently. They have a lot of 'garage' time together. Kelly works; Niko explores. While they're doing 'men' stuff, I read and Zailey sleeps. We have a very simple life and our huskies are at the center of it all. But I can't image one moment without the little loves of our life.

The huskies are happy and healthy. And we wake up each morning to their wet, slobbery kisses. We couldn't ask for anything more than the love of the two huskies we share a home with.

The Long (Drawn-Out, Never-Ending) Tale of Our New Home

I haven't written a blog post in an embarassingly long time. It's not for lack of trying. In fact, I was so certain I would have internet when we moved that I didn't even plan for NOT having internet. Honestly, I just assumed that there was internet EVERYWHERE. I mean, how could there not be internet 3 minutes down the road?

Anyway...

Long story short: life is unpredicatable. And sometimes a break from the World Wide Web is a necessity. Especially when you live in rural Oklahoma and you have to wait for AT&T to be in "your" area before you can actually use it.

Before I begin the long, drawn out, never-ending story of our first home-buying experience, I just want to say that God is so good to me. In all things. At all times. There is not a moment--not even one--where He wasn't or isn't concerned about my well-being or care. And, my friend, He feels the same way about you. You are loved so dearly by Him. So much so that He is more concerned about your needs than you are. This story is proof.

By the time you're finished reading this, you'll probably wonder if I'm crazy. But I can assure you that the following story is a true and real account of our journey to our new home.

And it all started after the Moore tornado.

I haven't lived in Oklahoma for that long. I'm going on 3 years in July. But I can tell you that when God created me, He always meant for me to end up here. I'm just grateful He didn't reveal His plan to me sooner than He did. I probably would have fought Him every step of the way. Because I was born and bred in the Sunshine state. Where it's always warm. And the weather is always predictable. And tornadoes are just some distant dream in another land. O.K. maybe I watched too much Wizard of Oz as a child. But that was my only experience with these beautifully tragic storms.

Now that I'm dealing with tornadoes, I've become somewhat awed by them. I mean, conditions have to be PERFECT for them to occur. Some cold front (or is it a warm front? I'm not sure) has to mix with a warm (possibly cold, I'm not a meterologist) front and then a bunch of twisting and turning happens and WHAM! a tornado touches down and unleashes its fury on Tornado Alley (and, sometimes, other parts of the world). I just happen to live on the outskirts of Tornado Alley. And have seen a wall cloud or two.

Sure, we could move. We could move to the coast line where there are endless threats of hurricanes. We could move north where snow happily sits on the roadside for 7 or 8 months out of the year. Or, we could return home to California and experience earthquakes (and ridiculous house prices). Wherever we choose to live, there will always be a natural disaster threat. It's why we bought a home with a storm shelter (PRAISE JESUS!).

After the Moore tornado (which I watched live on TV with tears streaming down my face), my husband decided that we needed to buy a home and put in a storm shelter. And I wholeheartedly agreed. We spent many weeks following concerned about our safety. And when a tornado touched down 7 miles south of us, we knew it was time.

So, I began searching and found a cute 2-bedroom house. It was central so I could continue to walk to Dollar Tree if the urge struck (which it rarely does). But there was a HUGE problem when we finally looked at the house. One room was flooded and destroyed from a rain storm. Disappointed, we set up a time with our Realtor to look at other houses.

We searched and searched. And finally found a home we really wanted to purchase. It was perfect, except it didn't have a storm shelter. We made an offer. They laughed at how low it was. We made another offer. They wanted significantly more. We decided to walk away because we felt the house was not worth what they wanted.

Two weeks later, the house next door was on the front page of the local paper. The occupants had been stealing video cameras, dvds and a myriad of other electronics. It was safe to say our decision to walk away was correct. Maily because we run a business where we are constantly handling expensive electronics before they go to customers. God faithfully steered our footsteps in another direction for our safety. The house sold one month later for the first offer we made. The offer the homeowner laughed at.

Soon after, we found a fixer-upper and immediately fell in love. It would need work but, then again, anything in our price range would need work. We made an offer. The bank that had it in a foreclosure sent it to auction mere hours after rejecting our offer. We told them we were interested in paying the full asking price. They declined. We hung our heads low as we continued on in our search. They sold it for $20,000 under our offer. Simply put: we're busy people. We didn't have the time to put into the house. Instead, it went to someone did have the time.

As we continued searching, a co-worker of my husband's asked if we would be interested in looking at his house. We agreed. Once again, we fell in love. Sort of. There was no garage and there was no storm shelter. But the house itself was lovely. And with the paperwork in hand, were devastated when his wife changed her mind. We held onto the hope for a few months that she would re-evaluate and then want to sell. It was at this time that I told my husband I just couldn't do it anymore. I was tired of getting my hopes up and then watching them fall. Besides, each house was better than the last. How in the world would we find something better?

I decided to take one last look on Zillow to see if there were any houses worth looking at. That's when I saw THE ONE. It was out of our price range, but I showed it to Kelly and he told me he wanted to look at it. Once I saw it, I knew we were going to live there. But I did my best not to let my hopes get too high. Instead, I just prayed. Without ceasing. For six months STRAIGHT.

I'm not joking.

I would wake up every morning and pray about it. I'd spend all day sending up little prayers, "If it's your will Lord..." and then petition for an hour before bed. And as I would fall asleep each night, I just knew that if it wasn't God's best for us, then He would lead us somewhere else.

When our offer was finally accepted in January, we were told we would have to wait another seven weeks to hear if the house was really ours. Seven weeks and one day later, we were told it would be ours in 28 days. Oh, and our interest rate as at an all-time low. I'm talking 3.7% here, people. It's a God thing. I'm telling you.

I packed. I literally packed everything. And as the day approached, I couldn't contain my excitement. 27 days after we were told the house would be ours, the bank that had it in a short sale accidentally let it slip into foreclosure. Our wait would be 11 days longer.

I don't know why God allowed us to wait an extra 11 days. Honestly, if I had to guess, I'd say He was testing me. He knew that I had come so far. I had put all of my hope and trust in Him. And I continued to do so. Because I know that God's timing is perfect. Whatever reason we had to wait exactly 11 days, I'm grateful for it. I'm grateful that God knows what He's doing. I'm grateful for patience. I'm grateful for the moments that are hard.

Most of all, I'm grateful God allowed us to buy a beautiful home.

Home Sweet Home

Every morning, my prayer is a little different. I no longer pray that God would allow us to get the house. Instead, I pray that God would allow us to use our home for His glory. That we may shelter the hurting and the aching. That we may welcome all in with open arms. That we may be a blessing to our neighbors.

It is my firm belief that if we do not use what God has given us well, He will give it to someone who will use it better.

11 months is a long time to wait for a home, but God led us to the perfect house. One with a storm shelter for safety, a 2-car garage for all of my husband's projects, and lots of open space for me to entertain all who enter.

Whatever rough journey you find yourself in today, remember that God's ways are different than yours. And so is His timing. Just pray, release and keep moving forward. God is good, my friend!

Jessica